A Reason to Live
by Enexi
Summary: When Lady Marianne was killed, Jeremiah was devastated and blamed himself. He then devoted himself to serving the Britannian family as some way of repentance a some form of purpose. Without a purpose, what reason did he have to live? When Zero took that honor and purpose away, he went into a state of insanity until the day he learned Zero was Princess Lelouch Vi Britannia.
1. Reason to Live

**This is my Jeremiah/fem!Lelouch fanfiction, lol starting two new ones at once wow, be afraid people, be afraid…**

 **P.S. I have done some editing and found some errors that I needed to fix, also if anyone sees this that would care to be a beta for this story or know of any that would be a good fit, please send me a PM! I would love to hear from you. :)**

 **A Reason to Live**

There was many things that ran through Jeremiah Gottwald's mind as he he stared down the Zero alter-ego Lelouch Lamperouge, he never imagined that the one who rose up against the empire was a mere high school student, or that he was actually a _she_. Jeremiah never would have guessed that under the helmet of Zero there would be long dark hair that reminded him of someone else, from long ago, back when he was a guard at the Aries Villa.

When Lelouch finally stopped her chase and turned to face Jeremiah with such confidence and cockiness that he knew right then and there, that he had walked right into a trap laid by the ever so cunning Black Knight. It didn't matter though, not at that moment. Jeremiah was so confident that he had been improved and no matter what was thrown at him, he could take it, he could endure it. Because that was the strength of his loyalty, and that gave him the power to achieve anything.

"I see, a mechanical body… and you have a Geass canceler as well. Your vengefulness is truly admirable, Orange Boy." Lelouch said, her voice was lilt and mocking. It had shocked him almost, he knew that when he saw that Zero was a woman that the voice that everyone heard was obviously through a voice distorter, but for some reason it still threw him off-guard.

"There is nothing vengeful about it, just sheer loyalty." The faithful Britannian countered, _Something that you would know nothing about, Zero._

"Such a shame, though… what has the Emperor ever done that could possibly deserve such loyalty I wonder!" Lelouch spat, while finally triggering her secret weapon; testing it on the now cyborg ex-officer. The effects was far greater than what she had hoped, it would be most excellent for the next attack upon Britannia. It had stopped Jeremiah dead in his tracks and she was more than pleased. "By the looks of it, I was correct in assuming that you had sakuradite present in your body, you were an excellent guinea pig for the Gefjun Disturbers. It's good to know that they will be quite efficient for my next plans…. now then, you're going to tell me what I want to know. Where the Order is located and where V.V is!" She demanded, her patience was wearing thin.

Jeremiah's face turned ugly with the disgrace of being both looked down upon and beaten again by a lowly civilian, Britannian or no. How dare she demand answers from him, when there was far more important things that he ought to be asking _her!_

"You're the one… who will talk here!" He retorted, as he began to push his lead like body beyond its capacity with absolute drive to kill zero; to reclaim his honor. He could see the shocked look on her face, and it only made him want to push further. "Because I have… my reasons, I'm resolved to see my loyalty through!" One step after another, he was closing the gap between them. He didn't feel the blood that was oozing out of his Geass canceler, nor did he care. All he could see was Lelouch and he knew that soon it would be all over and he would finally win their battle.

But he needed to know, before her death he need to know what drove _her?_ What was her motive of doing all of this!? "I must know the truth for certain, once and for all!" Why Zero, What was the purpose for all of this death? "Why did you take on the role of Zero, and why have you betrayed your homeland?! Turning upon the Emperor as a result, why Lelouch?"

"Why? I did it because I am Lelouch Vi Britannia! The daughter of the Empress that was slaughtered, my father did nothing to protect her, and I will take my revenge upon those responsible!" Her anger became unleashed and she fought to retreat into her mind of insanity of remembering seeing the horrid death spread upon the carpeted stairs, of seeing her mother's corpse. "And because of that, that man stole Nunnally's legs and her sight along with our futures, I will never forgive him!"

Jeremiah stopped, he couldn't believe it... it was her! Princess Lelouch Vi Britannia, the one he had watched over along with her sister and her mother. She was alive! "Yes, I remember, I was there!"

"What?!"

"I remember it all, it was my first assignment to guard her. And I remember along with the shame of my failure to protect Lady Marianne, whom I loved and respected... but I wasn't able to follow through with that loyalty, I just wasn't able to protect her!" The pain of it all brought Jeremiah to his knees, as agony both physical and mental swept over him.

"So you founded the Purebloods then." She said, more of statement than a question. If he was there during the time she stayed at the Aries Villa, why couldn't she remember him?

"My Lady Lelouch, everything is becoming clear now. You became Zero for the sake of Lady Marianne, didn't you!" His Princess truly was fighting for justice, not a day went by that he didn't regret what happened that day how he wished he could change it. Seeing the woman he had cared for covered in blood, and his two young charges shaking with shock and fear. His Princesses were alive though, and so he could die happy knowing that she was avenging her majesty's death.

"But if you didn't come here to kill me, then what is it you came here to do?" Lelouch asked, seeing the man so devoted to his mother and her made her tremble with grief and true admiration, but never pity. She won't pity the man who chose his path in earnest, he had regrets yes, but she knew that the choices he made were always absolute. And that is what she needed right now. His absolution.

"I don't follow V.V., I only follow one, and that's Lady Marianne... and now, I'll die without regrets." Jeremiah's face now dripped with both tears and blood as he reached out for his Princess, she was alive and beautiful and she would avenge Marianne for both of them, he could not have asked for a more perfect sight to be his last.

"Lord Jeremiah!" She called out his name while shutting off her attack to rush to his side. Once the effects were no longer interfering with his Geass canceler the bleeding stopped and the bionic part of his body became operational again.

"My Princess!" She had spared him, spite his offenses against her and even after he had come here to kill her originally, she forgave him.

"There is still need for steadfast loyalty like yours isn't there, Lord Jeremiah?" She said, giving him such honor that she would have need of him. She would be his new purpose, his new reason to live.

"Yes, your Highness!"

-10 years ago-

 _Lelouch sat with a book on her lap and her heart on her wrist, the gardens was her favorite place and more often than not that's where she was, even when her brother Schneizel would be looking for her, this was the first place he would check. Her brother had been fond of her and always treated her specially it seemed like, ever since she could remember, and she used to revel in it. Always feeling like she was the closest to him, and perhaps she was... but as the years came and gone it felt that something in her was changing, she was yearning for something more, or maybe something different altogether, perhaps her big brother simply wasn't enough._

 _A man in regal attire interrupted her thoughts, his cerulean hair was tied back neatly, giving him almost a boyish appearance, spite his high cheekbones and handsome angles._

 _"Princess Lelouch, Lady Marianne requests your presence, you've been absent since this morning," said the young guard._

 _"Jeremy!" Lelouch said excitedly as she dropped her book and ran to him as he bent down to receive his much loved embrace. Although no one really called him 'Jeremy' and it wasn't especially clever, it was only a nickname given to him by her simply because at the time of their first meeting his full name had become too cumbersome for her young age. And so he had been dubbed 'Sir Jeremy', in her own mind of course. She had no real power to really make Knights at such a young age, regardless of being a Princess in her own right._

 _"Good afternoon, Princess Lelouch. I see you are attempting to escape the tutors again," Jeremiah accused with laughter in his voice. "You know, they will only be more persistent the more you hide away, although this could hardly be called 'hiding away' when you're here in the gardens, in plain view." He said, his hand gesturing to the scenery._

 _"That's because they wouldn't risk upsetting royalty... so no matter where I am, if I choose to 'hide' I could go anywhere." Lelouch said looking away from Jeremiah's disapproving look, "they would just look the other way if I told them to..."_

 _"But that is not how a Princess should be, Lady Lelouch, it is not honorable to neglect the duties and responsibilities given to you." Jeremiah scolded gently, he knew the Princess didn't really feel like she belonged with her other siblings besides her cherished Nunnally, but she was more than just bright; Lelouch showed traits of a true leader and master strategist._

 _Jeremiah secretly wanted to see that it would be the Princess to inherit the throne, she would be a fine Empress one day._

 _"Jeremiah... I don't know what I want, I don't desire power, but I don't want some mundane life... no matter what I want though, the choice will be made for me and that will be that." She looked down at her ballet slippers, "how can it be that we royalty have so much but have so little?" Lelouch's eyes became like glass, and her fits bunched up her delicate, blue dress._

 _"What are you talking about my Princess?" Jeremiah asked, the sudden subject change was almost abrupt, was that why she was out here, alone with her thoughts with no one to understand? Jeremiah gingerly places his hands on her shoulders, trying to sooth her fighting tears and her skin trembled under his gloved fingers._

 _"B-big brother told me today... that... that when I come of age, I am to be married and that I will become his wife." At last the tears fell. "H-he said it had already been approved by father." Her words became thick with emotion, "I love big brother, b-but to be married? I don't want that!" Lelouch cried more, trying to wipe them away with her wrists as she desperately tried to stay strong but it was already useless._

 _"Princess..." Jeremiah didn't know what to say to comfort her, he knew that it was not uncommon for royalty to marry within the family, to maintain the purity of the family bloodline... but to force this reality to her at such a young age was truly perverse and he felt disgust boil inside him._

 _"I... I want to become stronger. If I am stronger I can choose my own life, I can be like mother, I can be strong like her, can't I?" Lelouch look up to him and he felt his heartstrings pull for his Princess, and they were both on common ground when it came to the royal Consort, Lady Marianne. Had it been anyone else asking him that question he would think it impossible to have the power to change their fate, with the Emperor as their foe, but with Lelouch he knew that she would if that is what she desired._

 _"Yes. Lelouch you would lead armies and wage wars if you wished. That is the power that you have inside you, you only to realize it and bring it out." Jeremiah said, as he grasped her two small gloved hands with his own, his hands were warm against hers. "And if you permit me, Your Highness, when that day comes I will go before you in any and every battle that comes your way and I will lead your armies into the fray with pride and honor. That is my promise to you, my Princess." He vowed with a fierce conviction that it made Lelouch flinch._

 _Right now he knew she felt weak and powerless, at this point she would be ready, but with age Jeremiah knew she would be a brilliant leader and if she came into power she would lead any battle into victory. That was what it meant to be the daughter of Marianne, The Flash, it was in her blood. "You will never be alone, I swear it," He once more promised._

 _He could see his young Princess sitting upon the throne one day, changing the world for the better. She had that power, deep inside her._

 _To be Empress._

-present time-

"Yes Your Highness!" He said, with renewed purpose and faith.

"We have work to do now, and little time to do it. We can't be seen together in public as I am now, if they saw a military officer walking with a common civilian they will suspect my memories have returned. Right now I need them to believe I am still under the power of my father's Geass." Lelouch explained, bringing Jeremiah up to speed.

"Wait, your father as well, he has Geass too?!" He asked.

"Yes, he took everything away from me, again! He made me forget my revenge, my whole purpose, he even made me forget I ever had a sister and replaced her with a cheap imitation." She would dispose of him soon enough though.

"I understand, Princess... I will follow you henceforth, and follow your every order." He said with gladness, "I promised you that you would never be alone in your endeavors, yet once more I failed... even fought against you in order to foil your plans, please, ask for your forgiveness Princess Lelouch." He took one of Lelouch's hands that rested on his shoulder and cradled it in his hands just he did all those years ago, "I swore to you that I would lead your armies and I would fight in your name with pride and honor, do you remember Princess?" He asked, new tears fell once more, replacing the old sticky ones.

" _Jeremy_...?" Lelouch was stunned, this whole time Jeremiah was _her_ Jeremiah. Her Jeremy that would be there when all others had left her alone, when she didn't seek the comfort of her little sister or her mother, Jeremiah would find her.

His eyes sparkled from the tears and happiness that she remembered him, how he guarded her and how she confided in him. It was one of his greatest honors among serving her royal family. " _Yes_ your Highness it's me, your guard and servant: Jeremiah Gottwald." He spoke with his tongue being thick with emotion, so much so that his voice cracked under the weight of the moment.

"Jeremiah Gottwald," She confirmed. "Yes, my commanding officer in the Black Knights, and my most trusted ally. It is good to see you again, and there is nothing to forgive for your loyalty and devotion to me will be a more than adequate offering." Lelouch spoke with authority and although she had no sword or title to speak of to empower him, in the name of Zero and the Black Knights she did so. "And you will serve me, Zero, and wield the flag of justice!" She commanded.

"Yes your Highness!" His body surged with something new, his body both human and machine was humming with anticipation, excited to serve her under her alias: Zero. He will now begin to redeem himself through this one action, claiming the title of Zero's Commander.

They both stood up and reigned in their overflowing emotions, Jeremiah's face being a complete mess, Lelouch saw a handkerchief in his breast pocket and pulled it out. She took it to his tears first, softly wiping away the stains from his cheek and down his chin. Next she took it to the other side of his face that was drenched in blood from her doing, she wiped the blood that was now staining his skin and it had been since Euphie's massacre and her death that she felt guilt for what she had done.

"I'm sorry, had we had this conversation sooner, this would have never happened... does it still hurt?" She asked softly.

Jeremiah was touched by her kindness, and leaned into her hand. "No, the pain subsided shortly after my systems booted back up. Thank you, Princess." His voice was so tender that it made Lelouch want to do more things that would bring out that that side of the ex-officer.

"And one more thing, the 'Princess' title is restricted when it is inside the Black Knights headquarters or when we are in the presence of others please only address me by my name, only a few selected people know that I am part of the Britannian family. If the Black Knights knew that I was part of the very thing they sought to destroy, there would be a mutiny. When we are at the base you will address me as all the others do, as Zero." Lelouch warned.

"Of course," Jeremiah complied.

"And no one can know I am a woman either, only you and C.C. know this." She added, while she stepped away from cleaning his face. The well tailored handkerchief was now soiled with blood and tears and she felt awkward giving it back to him but yet didn't really want to keep it herself. And so she stared at it for few moments trying to decide its fate, when Jeremiah took it from her hand and placed it in his pant pocket.

"I understand, please leave everything to me." Jeremiah said and placed his hand over his heart.

It was strange that Lelouch would feel that she was finally able to breathe knowing that there was someone out there that believed in her completely and understood _everything_ , everything she was trying to accomplish and why. It felt strange and yet she understood it completely that it would be a devoted Britannian soldier who would come to her side to aid her in bringing down her father. It felt so relieving having him by her side knowing that no matter what she did or how she did it, that he would support her.

She could never hope for such understanding from Suzaku, the friend who sold her out.

"What do we do now then, Lady Lelouch?" Jeremiah's question broke her of her inner musings, and brought her back to the moment.

"Right now. We will have to break up, I have to check on something but I want you to meet me at the Ashford academy in an hour." Lelouch ordered while taking out her phone, "So we'll need to exchange numbers." She said.

They both exchanged numbers and Jeremiah was more than happy to comply, and placed her under 'Lulu' and he felt that it was a safe listing to put her under, as it would neither risk either of her aliases. Lelouch saw him smile as he saved her in his mobile and she wondered if that perhaps he just didn't have very many people in his contact list, while Lelouch appropriate listed him as 'Orange'. She just couldn't resist, and besides, it sort of grew on her, but now in fondness.

"Alright I will contact you soon, there are a few things that we need to do before the next attack on the Britannian forces." She said as she put her mobile away.

"Very well, I will see you then." Jeremiah bowed and turn on his heel and began to walk hurriedly away.

It was then that as they parted ways, for the first time since Lelouch started all of this, she didn't feel alone. That save for C.C., (and perhaps deep down the witch just wasn't enough) there was finally someone who was truly her ally in everything and that she could depend on him. And that maybe she could forget a little that she was bound for hell.

 **Hello, well this is my revised (although really I just switched some words around and fixed some broken sentences) chapter one. Lol I was rereading it and I saw some errors I needed to fix, but I'm still looking for a beta to help me with this. I'm really putting a lot of thought into this story because of how much I love these two but I find some times I have issues with my punctuation and run-on sentences. So please if you would like to be apart of this story I would welcome you with open arms. :)**

 **Please R &R and any constructive criticism is more than welcome! ^_^**


	2. Chapter 2 - Loss

**Hey everyone, sorry for the wait, I had been revising this chapter over and over, and I think I got it to how I wanted it. XD Once more I am still looking for a beta who might be interested in this story, I've Pmed a few people but I think maybe they don't check their mail too often, or maybe aren't active anymore. At any rate I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think! :)**

 **Also I apologize for any typos or break of sentences, I have written most of this story on my phone and transferring it from google docs didn't go as I had planned so I went and fixed what I could find that went a bit wonky. Lol**

* * *

Chapter 2- Loss

Schneizel walked his study in quick strides. His walk seemed to have a _bounce_ to it, it had made other turn their heads as he passed them, his maids seem to think maybe he had found a lady friend- they wouldn't be completly wrong. He entered his room and went to straight to his desk to brood over the new information that had made his suspicions clear.

His dearest sister was alive.

She was alive and fighting against his father and the Royal family, the thought honestly made him laugh. She fought against the very thing she herself was apart of. Oh the irony! It made his heart swell though, now knowing who Zero was he became proud of how strong she had become. Seeing how resourceful and skillful she become it felt like badge upon his chest, and how he wanted to shine and polish it and show it to the world.

That he had helped her become this way, that he had a hand in molding her into the magnificent woman she was today from the younger years that she spent with him, and when he taught her strategies and the ways of war through chess and games, it made him love her all the more; just knowing his lessons had not gone to waste. She was a born ruler and he wanted to put her there- along side him of course. They could accomplish great things, she and him. They could conquer nations, and create peace in their own name, and the peace he sought for so long, since the day his father told him and his siblings that Lelouch and Nunnally where dead, would finally come to him. Once he had bound her to him.

He needed her.

He had needed her since he had laid eyes upon her weak, infant form. She would cry out of need, reaching out for someone to hold her and care for her, and even then she had the power to command him. Granted now she had hardened, grown, and sought power; she desired authority and control so that she would no longer feel weak and at the mercy of others. But he knew her better than she knew herself, he knew that inside she truly wished to be held and kept away from the pain he knew she was suffering from.

She wanted someone to have power over her; and yet it was the very thing she feared.

He would protect her though- whether she wanted it or not. She was born for him after all, that's what he had told her right before her mother was assassinated. He had planned to court her properly after telling her that father had approved of their union, but then the murder of Lady Marianne had spoiled everything.

Him and his other brothers and sisters weren't given much detail on what had happened to the consort's children, only that one of them had been caught in the line of fire and Marianne tried to protect her, and that shortly after Lelouch addressed their father that she had been sent to Area 11 but was soon then pronounced dead from the cross fire of the rebellion in Japan.

But after the chess match in China, at the announcement of the Empress's marriage to his older brother did he know that she was alive, and he knew that under that dark mask she was as beautiful as the day she was born.

Schneizel breathed in deeply while his eyes closed as if trying to imagine him taking in the scent that would be hers. Of something crisp and maybe fruity; or perhaps a flower base aroma. But even as the imagery of those things came to mind that would resemble his half-sister, they did not quite capture who she was. Instead when he thought of her he thought of waves crashing down and cutting through rock and how she could shake the very foundation of him and make him bend to her will. Yes, that was what she would smell like, the ocean at the edge of a summit.

"I will come for you, my love, and I will give you what you desire and more. You need only to come to me, Lelouch..."

It was then that knock interrupted his thoughts and desires for the next encounter with Zero, and called for them to enter.

"I'm sorry for the intrusion, but your meeting with the council will begin soon, My Prince."

"No worries Kanon, I will be there soon."

Kanon bowed and left to inform his guests, leaving the Prince to his musings once more. The events in China had left the Prince wanting, it had given him endless nights of how he would pleasure his beautiful sister, and how she might pleasure him. And after three nights, it has become too much for him before he sought out release.

He spent his days wondering how she might behave and what her mannerism would be like, and it surprised him that his love for her ran so much deeper than he had expected, and they had only grown since that day; and how he wanted her so badly. After a few more minutes of his delightful thoughts and of how he would present his plans (and himself) to his sister, he got up and tended to his responsibilities. Knowing that soon he would have what he truly wanted, and that was enough to make him love every minute of the dull, tedious conference.

* * *

Lelouch was in the school library long after she had told Jeremiah to be there. When she talked to him over the phone he had asked her what had happened, it was clear in her voice that something was terribly wrong but she didn't have the strength to tell him. All she could say was to meet her at the location and promptly hung up.

Her eyes were hollow and her body moved like it was on autopilot, she had walked from the mall where the 'terrorist attack' was and away from all the screams, patrol officers, and medics to the school. She wasn't noticed by any of the officials with everyone pushing and shoving their way out, and she was glad for that. On many occasions she nearly fell and her only coherent thought that made her catch herself was that she would be trampled to death if she didn't. Everything else was a blur. It surprised her when she suddenly noticed a small sign that read 'Library' that she even wondered how she got there. She had no real knowledge who had seen her nor did she care. The only thoughts she had was plotting and of Shirley: her friend.

When the she walked into the room, the lights were out and the only way she was able to see anything was because of the light coming through from the grand windows on the opposite wall. Lelouch walked down three rows of bookshelves and turned right to find a loyal soldier waiting with his phone out looking as though conflicted.

"Princess!" His voice was low to keep any suspicious students that might walk by the room and Lelouch didn't care enough to correct him. Her eyes were unnaturally enlarged and looked as though they saw nothing and unfocused. When he saw the state she was in and the blood on her uniform he knew right then something had gone horribly wrong, and it worried him to see her body move as though it was on strings."What happened, are you alright?!" He placed his hands on her arms only to find that she was trembling.

"She's dead…"

"What?!"

"Rolo killed her… Shirley, my friend, she's dead." Lelouch gripped Jeremiah's coat with her head pressed against his chest, refusing to let him see her tears. After all of the death she had seen, she still did not know how to mourn. She didn't know how to let others see her weakness. She couldn't allow it.

But she couldn't keep it in any longer and she even _smiled_ , she smiled at that worthless insect that called himself her brother. An insane smile split her face from cheek to cheek, _although_ , she thought, she will soon smash him beneath her shoe. She swore it. She'll give him hope, love, a sibling bond, and then rip it from him like a still beating heart and then destroy him. "And he. Will. Pay."

"L-Lelouch…?"

She lifted her head finally and what he saw sent shivers up his spine and made his heart plummet. It was a look of a shell that was filled with nothing but hate and darkness when the last of her tears had shed from her eyes. A perfect combination for destruction and revenge. So this was the depths of his Lady's darkness; the pit that slowly swallowed her up...

It terrified him.

"Lelouch, I…" What would he say? What _could_ he say? He couldn't comfort the woman who had lost so much and knew nothing but of revenge since she was ten. All he could do was make sure she wasn't alone as she walked down the path that was paved in blood.

"Nothing will get in my way, I will crush my father, I will rebuild this world, and I will get my sister back. Rolo has no place here, not in my world." The way she spoke and the way that she clung to her words like they were indisputable truths reminded him so much of himself when he went on the manhunt for her. When he saw her as just a lowly terrorist, a nobody. He knelt down on one knee and took her hands from his coat and into his own just like he did earlier that day. He watched as her shaking eyes watch him and looked from the hands that held hers then slowly into his eye -the only one that was visible; that his smile was small and sad.

"I know." He laced his fingers through her long, dark ribbon like hair.

"I know."

* * *

 _Lelouch placed her mobile in the pocket of her yellow blazer and went out to find Shirley, she had to make sure she was ok during the smoke and gunfire. She raced down the flight of stairs and into an empty room when she saw someone beyond the dust and smoke, light spilled out of a grand window that made it look almost angelic, that was if it wasn't the fact that she felt her heart drop to her stomach. Even though she couldn't see the person's face, the yellow blazer was too much like her own to feel comfortable._

 _It couldn't be... what would Shirley be doing up here anyways? Lelouch began to pray with every step she could take that she was wrong, that as she got closer and closer to being able to make out certain features... like the long caramel hair, and familiar facial features, the Ashford Academy crest, that she was just mistaken. Lelouch was two feet away and she felt like she couldn't take a single step more._

 _It was Shirley._

 _How... how could everything be going so well that it just as quickly slammed her back down, when Jeremiah joined her side and vowed his fealty to her, things had felt that they were finally coming together. And then... and then she forgot that she had more to lose. Did the world exist to only take!? Must she continue to keep losing the things that she fought so hard to protect?_

 _Lelouch walked to her side and collapsed on her knees, she felt sick, she wanted to vomit. Shirley, the one that always was there for her when she needed her and scolded her when she no one would care. Even when her and Rivalz would go gambling when she felt bored and disinterested in daily affairs she would be there to make sure she didn't go too far, that she wasn't in too deep._

 _But now, now she was gone. Now there would be no voice or conscience to stop her from diving into a sea of blood and war. There would be no-one. All others that would stand up to her now would only die, any others that try stand in her way, she would remove them from the chess board._

 _"Shirley! Shirley, who did this to you?" She asked, choking on her own words. Hoping she would answer that she still had life in her._

 _"Lulu...?" Her breath was caught in her throat. She was still alive, she could still save her! "Lulu, I'm glad we can talk one last time." Her words were difficult to say and it was hard for her to keep her eyes open._

 _"Don't talk, Shirley. I'm going to get the paramedics and we're going to get you to a hospital!" Lelouch said as she took out her mobile and began to dial to number but stopped when Shirley placed her hand over hers._

 _"Ever since I retained my memories, I've been so scared. A teacher who wasn't a teacher. Friends who don't have memories to share. Everyone was just… lying; it felt as though the whole world was spying on me. That's the the world you've been fighting all by yourself isn't it? All alone…_

 _"So that's why I- that's why I wanted to be the one that would at least be truthful to you. Lulu… I love you. Even knowing that you caught my father in all of this, I still couldn't bring myself to hate you, even though you made me forget everything I still loved you. Even though my memories were tampered with the bond that we shared were that of the closest sisters, and I couldn't forget that." Her voice was fading her eyes began to shut, but spite the pain she was in all Lelouch saw was that she no longer had regrets. Even so, she couldn't accept her death, No- she wouldn't accept it!_

 _"No, Shirley, you can't die!" She yelled, taking her contact out and releasing her Geass on her, ordering to keep her eyes open, ordering to keep on living… like with Suzaku. Only it wasn't enough to keep her from leaving her, it only prolonged the inevitable by mere seconds, "I order you not to die!" Over and over her Geass was released, trying to keep her eyes from closing and no matter how hard both of them fought to keep her in this world, they both knew it would not be enough._

 _"And so, I pray that I can be reborn again, and each time we will continue to meet and our bond will never fade away. I'll keep-" She never finished as her words grew distant and her touch left Lelouch's hand and fell heavily onto the ground._

 _"Shirley... Shirley?! Shirley, no!"_

 _It was then that the darkness in her heart grew. It grew to an extent that happiness wasn't obtainable anymore, not even by creating the world that she saw for Nunnally, Because even if the world was perfect; free from prejudice, hate, and inequality, it would never be enough because Shirley wouldn't be in it._

 _The world would not be enough._

 _The pain that wretch out of her heart echoed in the big, empty room that resonated with her soul. Both were empty. Forever will it ring in her ears till the day she dies, and the memory of Shirley's face will burn in her eyes whenever she closes them. This day would haunt her for an eternity._

* * *

It wasn't until Jeremiah finally coaxed Lelouch into leading him to the underground base with small words and simple questions like, 'can you show me the way to the basement now?' Or 'would you like any help?' 'Here, allow me my Lady.' His words were gentle, as if speaking to a small child and it seemed to relax her physically, like she was slipping into a warm bath even though he led her by the hand like a lost puppy that followed blindly.

He knew she was fragile, and spite his words he knew she wasn't really comprehending any of it.

It wasn't until she was led to a plush chair and heard someone calling her name, did she snap out of her trance and saw Jeremiah looking at her with concern traced in his eye.

"What?"

"I said, where do go from here, Your Highness?" He said again.

"From here...?" She repeated his words, like she was grasping at straws and imitating him. Her mind tried to swim through haze that clouded her thoughts, she was trying to swim to the surface to gasp for air and regain the her sense of reason and return to her confident, calculative self.

If it had been for Rolo, she wouldn't have been in this state in the beginning- wait, Rolo... That's right. There was that burning question she had been wanting to ask. How did Rolo even get his Geass, what has the Order been up to and what lengths have they gone?! And now that she thought about it, how did they create the Geass canceler? It was because of them that Shirley was dead. It was because of Geass that she wasn't still at school having fun with her friends, and it was because Geass that she had brought more pain to her.

Her next goal? Was to eliminate all others with the power of Geass till there was only one. She would be the one to have this power, if it was meant for Kings than she will claim it to be her right as Empress.

"Now? Now I need everything you know about V.V., about the Order, if there are there more like Rolo, and what they did to create your power."

"Yes, My Princess."

And so he told all that there was to tell. Without reservation or regret for betraying his King or the nobleman who experimented on him and tortured him, he told his Lady everything. The only thing he felt was the hope that it would be the very thing she needed for her endeavors.

"I see... and where is this lab exactly?

* * *

 **Thanks for all the follo** **ws and adds that I've been seeing! I'm so glad people like the concept of this story! Haha I was a little worried that Jeremiah wasn't as popular as I thought he was (in my mind I think he is lol), but I'm glad people are into this as much as I am. (Or I hope. XD) as always please read &preview, I would love to hear more from you, and to you reader, who wanted some Schneizel time, there you go! I hope you liked it! X3**


	3. Chapter 3 - A Drink Called Lonliness

**Hello everyone! Sorr** **y for the long time no update. :( I had been reading and rewriting this chapter a lot, I found out fast I'm not exactly the 5 star writer on intimate drea** **m sequences. Lol Also I apologize I was going have more in this chapter plot-wise** **but it kind of ended up being a 'in between breather' chapter. :/**

 **Akuma-Heka: Yes you are completely right she does know I just blacked out on her and didn't realize I didn't include her in the list of people who know about her, so I apologize about that and will fix it! :) So thank you for pointing that out to me. XD**

 **UPDATE! - I have changed a few things in this chapter-nothing too extreme, just that instead of having "already" went after The Order, Lulu is not 'preparing' to go after them. I rewatched a few episodes and realized my mistake in a few of my plans. Lol so if you've already read this chapter and get confused on my next one; that is why. :) Please enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter 3 – A Drink They Call Lonliness

"Schneizel…?"

A voice that which was sweet as honey called his name and stirred his mind and woke him, "Hmm?" He opened his eyes, they were blurry at first, and it took a few moments to adjust to the darkness and when they were, he saw the most delicious sight he had ever beheld. There she was, his precious Lulu dressed in a baby blue nightgown that had lace just the top of her breasts, which were small and subtle—but to which he prefered; the material itself was almost transparent and it made him stare harder as if to will it to reveal more. The length alone made him feel as though he was being blessed for something he had done, but for what he had no idea.

"Lulu?"

How was she here? How did she get in his room, in his bed, hovering over the lower half of him on her hands and knees… should he even ask? Did it really matter? He began to get up, to reach for her and feel her skin and to see how soft it really was, she was never one for athletics ori hard work, her hands must feel like silk and her lips… he could feel himself began to harden and his heart began to beat faster. She crawled closer to him and placed her hands on his shoulders—pressing him back down on the bed. Schneizel usually slept in the nude, so it came as no surprise to him when he saw himself rising beneath the sheets between them; reaching up to her.

She didn't say anything, she only lowered herself to kiss his lips. How long had he wished to taste these lips? He latched on fervently, wishing to consume all that he could. She was so soft and sweet, he deepened the kiss which only served to heighten his arousal. Her hands scaled down his shoulders to his chest, her fingers danced across his skin causing him to moan at the feeling, how was she so good at this? _I don't want to know..._

"Lulu–" He muttered her name, for her to take her hands elsewhere, where they were sorely needed. The words sounded like a man starving for water, it somewhat relieved him that it was his Lulu to hear them, but it left a sour taste in his mouth. For her to know how much power she had over him was a dangerous thing.

"Yes?" She asked innocently, bringing her lips to the shell of his ear making him shiver. "What is it you want, brother?"

"You know full well, Lulu..." he went to grab her hand and move it further down, but she swatted his hand away.

"No."

"What?"

"I said no" She said again, her eyes were dark and unwavering. She had gone from innocent and succulent to suddenly demanding and sadistic; like someone had just flipped a switch.

But it only seemed to turn him on even more.

This side of her he would have never thought he would see in the bedroom, it was so seductive to him and it made him hunger for her. Lelouch grinded her hips against his aching length that was only half hard, but swelled from the sudden attention. Schneizel hissed and responded immediately by lifting his hips against her. He smiled when he could feel that she had became quite aroused herself, when he felt slightly dampened cloth between her legs and began to kneed her hips and waist and massaging them as he moved her against him harder.

But Lelouch was not keen on letting him have his way...

She took his hands and pinned them back onto the bed (and it surprised him with how strong she was,) and lifted herself away from Schneizel knowing that his cock beaded slightly from her cruelty. "How does it feel to not have things your way, Schneizel, hm?"

Schneizel was breathing heavy from the stimulation. "I see that you've become interested in more naughtier games. I wonder how it is that you've come to be so... educated? It's very different from our chess matches we used to have." Answering a question with a question—masking that he was only grasping at the illusion of control in a state that obviously didn't favor him. A part of him was afraid to engage is this kind of word spar. Afraid to hear that another man taught her these things, that he wasn't the first to break under her hand.

"Really? I don't see it much different than our old games, chess isn't just pieces on a board; its strategy, capturing, and conquering. Just as you seek to do the same to me, Schneizel."

Her demeanor went dark, who was this woman? Was it truly his beautiful, once innocent, little sister? It all felt wrong, he had always been the one half shrouded in darkness, hiding under the pretense of an amiable and caring Prince.

It wasn't lost on him that she clearly dismissed his first question, and felt perturbed by that. Still he let it go, and instead he went along with her devious game; one he felt he could thoroughly enjoy. But that wasn't to mean he would allow himself to be captured so easily...

Lelouch sat comfortably on his taught stomach and felt his member jutter behind her with each breath he took, poking her in the back, as if it was reminding her not to forget about it. She reached behind her and for a moment Schneizel hoped that it meant that she would comply to his needs, but instead she procured a dark, blue silk ribbon. He wondered where she had even gotten it from, was it from her dress? She bent back down again and she took his wrists and tied them tightly together to the headboard, and after a few tugs he begrudgingly admired her ability to tie such an efficient knot.

Once the ribbon was to her liking, she began to leaving marks on his neck—his breath hitch; his heart already felt like it was going to explode, but it wasn't the only thing that felt that way. She then moved down placing wet kisses in her wake, until she reached his left nipple and took it into her lips; and rolled her tongue over it—sucking on it to a peak while rubbing and twisting the other. Schneizel's mouth hung in a silent scream, as he exhaled loudly and deeply, his arms instinctively tugged again to release himself from the ribbon; but it only served to become tighter. His need for her mouth now burned in him more and more, "lower, Lulu... lower" He said.

Lelouch released the perked, darkened flesh with a pop and look up at him, he stared back with lustful eyes that were dark and chaotic. "oh?" She teased, kissing the corner of his lips. None the less her hand slowly traced it's way down his chest, past his navel, pushing the sheets aside and firmly grasped his desire that now throbbed. "Is this what you wanted?" She asked sweetly.

Schneizel moan loudly, and instinctively thrusted into her hand. He was never one to be vocal during sex, but it was like Lulu had opened a dam inside him, he didn't know what it was about this strange yet exhilarating personality his sister had taken on that made him sing to her tune. It would have been humiliating had it been any other, _ordinary_ woman. But it wasn't. It was his Lelouch that did this and brought out his darkest desires and made him feel alive, and he could not help but feel pride that she pleased him so.

"Do you want me?"

"Always~!" He hissed, expecting her lower herself onto him, but she didn't. She stopped altogether, just smiling smugly, a conniving look in her eyes made him growl in frustration and anger, "Lulu!" He yelled, as if that would make all the difference—by showing his urgency. A soft giggle came from her instead, it sounded like wind chimes; it amazed him how even something that was supposed to infuriate him, entranced him even more. "Please..." He whispered finally.

"There, that wasn't so hard now was it?" She praised him affectionately, and gave him a lingering kiss (one that he lost himself in.)

"Depends on what you're talking about…" He quipped once her lips left his.

She then lifted herself up and positioned herself above him, watched him for a for a few moments and saw his breathing increased and his gaze became lazy and seductive as he watched her slowly consume him, taking him into her. "I suppose so…" she chuckled. His breath was sharp as he closed his eyes and pressing his head further into the pillows as his hips rose upward, making himself sink in further. It was heaven. Truly it was. There was nothing like it, even as her pace was slow and unhurried, and it was sweet and torturous—he had never felt a bliss such as being one with his Lulu.

The feeling was nothing short of an angel's touch.

He sighed and moaned softly as she picked up the pace, he felt her walls become tighter, which were already stretched to accommodate him and he made him lost to all sense of reality alone. Thinking about how it was Lulu doing these things to him, how it was her that squeezed, and sent heat shooting throughout his body; that it was _her_ who drew these gasps from him nearly finished him. A shaky breath was let out, his fear was that he would find his end before hers.

"Release my hands, Lulu… This will not end well for you otherwise" He said, just barely above a murmur. He could send her off, please her like no other, show her _his_ dominance. He could make her scream, if she'd only let him.

She was breathing hard herself, and he could see in her half-lidded eyes that she was contemplating. Finally though, she reached over him and untied the knot. As soon as he was free he stood up and wrapped his arms around her and grinded harder into her, causing her to gasp and moan. He reached between them and pressed his thumb against her clit, making her sing; just like he wanted. "Good girl..." His voice was thick with lust and need.

"This is not how it was meant to be, brother." She said between breaths. Her hands gripped his shoulders tightly when he became more urgent and moved more sporadic and began to bite her neck, leaving his mark upon her just as she did to him. His other hand found its place upon her right breast, kneading it and pinching her nipple, making her lift her head up to the heavens and wail. Lelouch convulsed around him making it tighter around his cock, he moaned sweetly; he closed his eyes tightly trying to contain himself, trying to make it last just a little longer.

"And is it not better that it didn't, _sister_?" He whispered breathlessly into her ear, only to bite that as well. His arms returns to her waist, slamming her down a few more time before he too came with a ferocity that made him cry out into the night and drowned out her feeble voice that was now hoars.

Schneizel moved languidly, riding out the waves of their orgasms as he grinded against her his breath came as heavy heaves. He had never felt such satisfaction and completion as he did at that moment. It was then he knew that no one could be what she was to him—please him like she could, even her infuriating habit of challenging his power and his patience could set a fire in him. His cock spazzed, and jumped as her walls gripped him out of reflex and it felt so good! He felt Lelouch shaking from her release when Schneizel held Lelouch to his chest and placed butterfly kisses from her collarbone to her neck, relishing in the afterglow of their lovemaking. "Lelouch, my love, you were amazing-you _are_ amazing." He breathed, tracing where his lips had just been with his nose taking in her sent.

He was right, she did smell like spray of the sea.

A soft giggle broke his peace, and he looked up to find her looking at him adoringly, (a look that he had craved for for so long,) and if not a little mischievous. "Mmm and now I must go," she said. She took his face into her hands and weaved her fingers into his wild mane; Hair that was like woven gold—he'd like to think that that was her favorite part of him—among other things.

"What? Do I not satisfy your desires and bend to your every whim?!" He said desperately, feeling the sting of betrayal.

Her smile was too cruel, and her eyes were too harsh and filled with too much indifference. "Oh yes, brother–" she kissed him and it felt too much like a parting gift, it was addicting and he leaned into it as she made it passionate, He felt himself twitch inside her. "But now it's time for you to wake up…"

The coldness of a lonely bed was something Schneizel had never been able to get over, even after night after night of waking to the same reality. Covered in wet sheets and sweat left him feeling disgusted and ashamed—but what was new? How different has this morning compared to the countless others he had with the same result? All ending with him alone–wanting…

 _Lulu, you cruel, cruel woman. You and I, is there really no better match?_

 _For you damn me, my love._

* * *

Things were running as smoothly as much as she could have hoped for at this point, and this was all the she wanted at this moment—a cup of hot coffee. She and Jeremiah will be storming and eliminated the Order in only a few days, and she needed to collect her thoughts now that things were finally getting back on track. Too many things have gone so wrong—it was refreshing to see something go right for once.

Lelouch was entranced by the reflective light bouncing off the surface of her drink. So many of the people she wanted to protect have already been sacrificed for her conquest for a peaceful world that her sister could live in, the only one now worthy of such a world. She certainly didn't deserve it.

 _How much farther till I see the end…?_

"Zero?"

The voice startled her and she nearly dropped her cup–it was Jeremiah, he stood at the entrance of her quarters at the Black Knights HQ. Now that they had taken out her father's researchers it was only a matter of time before they started the next phase. It was rare that there could be a small measure of quietness, small moment of just _now_ when she didn't have to live in the past or foresee the future. Right now she could just _exist_. "Ah… Jeremiah, what is it? Have you made the preparations that I've asked for for the transmission to V.V.?" Her voice was not like her usual dramatic and authoritative tone; but somber and distant.

"Yes, the set will be finished to your specifications by tonight and ready for the transmission to V.V.."

She nodded, "Good, thank you for all your work Jeremiah; it is a relief to have you among our ranks." She admitted, finally looking up at him, "truly."

"Always… Zero."

Their words felt stagnant and the silence between them was heavy, what more was there for him to say? He wished to know what has been brewing in her mind these past few days–no years! What has her life been like during and after the rebellion in Japan, how did she remain hidden from the eyes of the royal family, was her life hard? He could only imagine the hardships that followed the death of her mother and then the rejection of her father. _He wanted to know._

He stood there awkwardly for a few moments wondering if he should speak his thoughts, or just leave. Would she kick him out for prying, or just ignore him altogether? He felt a pang in his heart…

 _She looks so lonely._

She carried her sister through it all with her back straight and her eyes cold and calculating–with no one to ever understand her pain or anguish. Nor the burning need for revenge and desire to see her family's blood spilt.

"Jeremiah, the pot is still hot if you care to join me?"

He nodded his gratitude and joined his Princess on the couch that faced her and poured himself a cup of coffee—spite his disinterest in the choice; he had always favored the calming effect of tea. Still, he did not complain and even smiled a little at the taste, not that he really enjoyed it though.

And they spent the evening like that, silently enjoying one another's company, both wanting to speak but knew that their lives had become too complicated and fragile to risk whatever could shatter the small moments of peace that just barely make it into their lives– just as this one did… and what more was there to do but to simply exist for the sake of their purpose? For this moment alone, relishing in things that they, like many others, took for granted. So with wishes that things could have been different, and regrets that held their hearts heavy for not saving the ones they wanted to share this world with; together they shared a drink called loneliness, and how bittersweet it was.

* * *

 **There it is! I sincerely hope you enjoyed it and that you forgive me for the long wait. :( I swear to be more on the ball. But please R &R and Happy late Christmas and late New Year! :)**

 **Also a major thanks and shout out to my awesome proof-reader Ayaheartright! If you haven't read her Schneizel story yet, go do it! :) (Sorry for some reason I didn't see that my update didn't save it when I wrote this part. :( )**


	4. Update

**Hello everyone, I apologize for the wait as well as this, I apparently messed the timeline a tad with my last post as I had completely skipped the scene where Lulouch meets Charles again on the island which I was going to doing something with. So I might be rewriting some things in the last chapter, so look out for that in the next day or two. :)**

 **Also I might take this time to answer some questions I got in my reviews. ^^**

 **Articwolfsnow: it's not a completly ruled out possibility. ;)**

 **Guest(1): Yes it was a dream. :)**

 **Guest(2): I feel it's possible, but I don't feel like it's something that would happen because he would just want to rape her though either. I think it would be a love-hate struggle with himself. I think it would be like if he was pushed so far and that he would rather have her in love than to only have a shell of a woman that he loves so deeply, but if her body was all that was left for him, he would take her and hate himself for it all in one. Spite his usual cruel actions and his disconnected persona, I think Lulu would be the only one to make he realize the monster in him but knowing he can't stop. If any of that makes any sense? XD**

 **Guest(3): Again that is something that also could happen or is a possible interesting thing to happen. XD**


	5. Chapter 5 - Ghosts

**Hey guys! Sorry for the long delay for the update, works been kicking my butt again... but I promise this one's a good sized chapter. :) I did see your guy's reviews and some of them made me laugh as I hope I can give you more of a glimpse to "dream Lulu". Hahah and also I'm in the process of movie as well so that's been getting in the way of my writing as well. :( But at any rate I hope you guys enjoy!**

 **Chapter 4**

Two men stood in a clean and sterile, white room divided by a window observing children with abnormal abilities. Abilities given to them by Geass. The source of conflict, deceit, and war. They had learned much from V.V. and C.C., they had taught them many secrets to their power, but with them knowing all that they knew—it was not all that the two contractors knew.

C.C. had been their leader in the their small, shadowed civilization hidden beneath the desert, V.V. has since taken her place, but there was many who still wished for her return...

"Have you checked the children for any other developments? Their Geass have been getting stronger with each day, it really is incredible!" The man with blond hair and a clipboard asked, watching the children in the other room intently.

"I have, but I sometimes wonder if this is really right though…" Said another man with dark hair with much more aging features and tired eyes.

"What's with this suddenly? Just shut up and do your job, you're a scientist aren't you? All we need are results."

" _..."_

The doctor put off by Takahara's less than enthusiastic demeanor left with his nose in the air and a raised brow. He knew that if Alexander began to whisper among the others, he'd be under even more scrutiny and surveillance. Spite putting his loyalty with the Britannian Empire and supporting the research for as long as he could remember.

But perhaps, seeing exactly what he was supporting first hand now was different than just being another lackey working in the background with the analysis department.

But that was how Takahara's day started; Takahara at age 55, with a family of two children and a loving wife, a family of which he hadn't seen in six months—a family he loved dearly. Most the people here who had families, six months seemed like nothing, and perhaps they have forgotten what it was like to see their children—to hold their wives'. Perhaps they no longer cared? But to him it left him cold and he could still remember what it was like hold her, to eat her cooked meals, to lay beside her. The men here no longer thought about life outside this facility, only of C.C., hoping that one day she'd come back them.

However he grew to hate her. Grew to hate this place and all of the things that they, and he, once hoped to achieve. He no longer felt the excitement or wonder from what they were doing. When he first came here he was just an analyst and worked in a separate division than the subjects. When he was moved up, he was in a higher clearance level; that was when he found out that they were using children that Charles's brother was giving the Geass to as test subjects. After that he knew he had to get out of there—that was three months ago.

He knew that after seeing what he had seen, the things that they had done to those children, that they would never let him walk away. Not alive. He knew they had seen a change in his behavior, he had become less submissive to their orders and more reclusive. He questioned his supervisors in subtle ways, which had resulted in being monitored in almost everything he did.

He wasn't going to see them again. He knew that now… He would be stuck in this god forsaken city and the only thing that ran through his mind at that very moment, as he clutched his clipboard and watched the children watch him, at the very end of it all, he wondered— _was it worth it._

* * *

Since Jeremiah joined the Black Knights, he self appointed the duty of patrolling everything from the hallways in the base to the surrounding area of Zero's HQ to him. It wasn't that it was overly needed, just that old habits die hard. He felt his sense of pride and love he had for Marianne and her two daughters, remembering how innocent and precious lady Nunnally was. Remembering lady Lelouch, and how beautiful she was at such a young age, only to now realize how much more it was amplified her radiance was as a brilliant, mature nineteen-year-old.

 _She's so much like you, my Empress…_

Jeremiah was so preoccupied with thoughts of the past that it left him to crash right into a flustered man. The force of him running into Jeremiah left the knight moaning on the floor, running straight into a cyborg was never a smart idea.

Ohgi had hit the floor harder than he would have thought and he felt like he just hit a steel wall. Thankfully he didn't hit his head on the floor, but the air had been knocked out of him and his torso ached; He had to check to make sure he didn't break his nose as well. He opened his eyes to find Jeremiah Gottwald standing there wide-eyed and cursed his luck, of course it'd be the ex-Britannian loyalist.

"Oh… my apologies, are you alright? Ohgi, was it?" He said, as he offered his hand to him. He was still considered an outsider to some, even hated by most of the members of Black Knights, and so any encounters he had with the others, they were usually very one-sided or hostile. But he would always try his best to keep peaceful for the sake of his princess. She had enough on her plate, and she didn't need her conflict and divided men among her to add to the stress.

"Ugh… yea, It's Ohgi." He said, feeling pain all over his body, even as he got up with the help of Jeremiah he felt uneven. "Sorry about that, I was… in a bit of a rush." He said hesitantly.

"I could see that."

Ohgi fidgeted when Jeremiah's brow rose in curiosity, and thought of just brushing it off and continuing on his way. But something that stopped him; a question that had been on his mind when Zero first announce that they would be acquiring a new ally from the Britannian forces, a man who was ostracized by his own men and superiors. To anyone else it would have made sense to join with the opposing side when their loyalties were questioned, and to the Empire and the world, everyone saw him as a traitor even after he was finally found innocent—albeit stripped of position and status. Still the soldier did not waver, he continued to proclaim his undying devotion the Empire and the Royalty of Britannia. Had it been anyone else, it would have made sense… but it wasn't, it was _Jeremiah Gottwald_.

"Hey… can I ask you a question?" After moments of awkward silence, Ohgi speaking so suddenly had almost startled Jeremiah.

"Of course. What is it?" His voice had lost some of its roughness from when he would bark commands to his subordinates, but never the straight forwardness that made him who he was. Now, most the time it held hint of humbleness when speaking, especially when he is in the presence of his Lady Lelouch.

"Why did you switch sides? I mean, how was it that you, who is so devoted to the Royal family, just suddenly turned against everything you've ever known?" Ohgi crossed his arms and stared hard at the cyborg, "some of us believe you to be a spy."

Ah.

So that was the reason for the added whispers and scrutiny, he figured it was simply because of his Britannian ties. Of course, that was certainly half of it. "I see, but you do not?" Now it was his turn to cross his arms. "If you did, you wouldn't be telling this."

At first there was no change in Ohgi's features, they remained hard and unmoving. But he finally gave up his bluff and gave out a heavy sigh and dropped his arms. "Well… No, not really. I think… whatever made you change sides, I think a man like you would never allow your loyalty or your moral code to be questioned." Ohgi rubbed his neck nervously, unsure about how to say the things he wanted to say. "I mean, you're Jeremiah Gottwald, a man that even we Knights knew as a relentless dog of Britannia. What ever made you release your grip on that, it was greater than all that…"

Ohgi sighed heavily with frustration, "look, I-I don't pretend to know you, Jeremiah… but I feel I know your kind. And you, I think, even if you were on the opposing side, you believed in what you fought for and put your all in everything. I don't know what happened back then with Suzaku, but even now, I know that you are a man that can not be convinced so easily, ya know? You came to this side on your own accord, and whatever Zero said or did, it was enough to put your loyalty and trust into his cause. And I trust that."

Jeremiah was in disbelief, how was it that this man could understand so much of how he felt and believed when they had known virtually nothing about one another other than what was released about himself on the news. And for him to say them with such obvious honesty… he felt a certain weight lifted from him. For even though he has placed all his support to Princess Lelouch and her Knights, he had wondered if it was as much of a noticeable mark in her life as it was for him. Not that it would have changed anything if it didn't, but his mind would wander from time to time.

"I see…"

Ohgi suddenly felt extremely self conscious and he could feel his face becoming red from his boldness. "Ah right, but that was just theory… and I don't mean to pry into your affairs and personal life. That's your business, I guess." And with that, Ohgi quickly walked past Jeremiah and continued do the hallway, but something stopped him.

"Ohgi!" Jeremiah called behind him, and he turned slightly to face Ohgi's retreating form, "... Thank you."

* * *

Lelouch collapsed on the couch within her private chambers at the Black Knights HQ with her helmet sitting on the table, staring back at her. She was exhausted from the meetings with the few men that she trusted to join her in the slaughter of The Order and she planned to inform Jeremiah on his role in all of this; to connect her V.V. and setting up a trap right outside their facility located in the desert. They would have no time to run and nowhere to hide.

It would be perfect.

A sudden rupture of dark laughter filled the room, _yes they will all die,_ and Rollo along with them. She would slaughter him along with all the others like him like pigs. They will all be crushed under her rage and malice!

She laughed even harder at that thought, _it was just too hilarious!_ It didn't even register to her that there had been a knock on her door, and it wasn't until she heard her name being called out that she stopped abruptly and snapping her head her to the left to see C.C. standing at entrance.

Lelouch breathed a sigh of relief, "oh it's only you, C.C.."

"Yes, and you are lucky it _was_ only me, you should be more careful, Lelouch. It's true that Kallen knows a part of who you are, but if she or any of the Knights found out the whole truth about who you are I don't think you'd come out of that so easily…" She of course had no expression of real worry, the only thing that she had concern for was her wish. And so for her sake, she spoke out.

"Yes, of course. I don't plan on letting them that close, though. And you know that only the few that I trust are allowed to come this room." She stood up once again and walked to the corner of the room and began to strip her uniform, leaving a trail of garments in her wake as she made her way to the bathroom to clean herself of the sweat and filth that came with the demands of being Zero. "I'm taking a shower…"

" _Princess…" Jeremiah whispered while holding a broken woman trembling with anger and anguish of the nightmares of Shirley's lifeless body, light shining down on her like a blessed sacrifice. Jeremiah had been on guard in her vicinity when he when he heard the ear splitting scream and rushed into her rooms._

 _All she could feel were arms holding her, they were so warm… where she felt so cold, so empty. She heard a voice calling her, calling her 'Princess', 'Lulu', and 'My Precious'._ Who? _She thought, who was saying these things? Who was holding her? Tears began to fall and she could not move to stop them. Whoever was doing this, she was too scared that moving would make this feeling go away—like some frightened animal…_

" _I can't go back… I want to, but I can't." She sobbed, "if there was Geass that could give me back Shirley, give back her father, give me back my mother, give back Nunnally's legs and sight! I want it back!" She slammed her fists into the strong body that was holding her._

" _I know," the voice said. "And you deserve that much…" it said again, "but we must keep fighting, just a little bit longer."_

 _She looked up to see that it was Jeremiah that was here beside her, his eyes were filled with the same sadness hers was. There was no pity, just understanding, hurt, … and something else, but whatever it was, it wasn't pity._

" _Jeremiah?"_

" _Yes, my Princess, it's me." He held her tighter, her body was covered in sweat and she wondered if it disgusted him. It certainly disgusting her, but it wasn't the first time she thought that about herself. "You're always here, even when I was little you were always there to comfort me… why? Is it because of my mother? Was she why you cared so much for her children?" She wanted to ask more; did he just follow her blindly? Did her only value lie in being her mother's daughter? Did she mean anything to him at all!? But she didn't say those things, again, she was too afraid that they might be true._

" _I did love her, yes…" His voice was strong and unwavering, as he held her closer and her back pressed against his chest. "And I did love her children, and like her, you were strong and even at a young age you were a beautiful Princess. I was proud to be in the service of both of you and your sister who was sweet and carefree. I…" He stopped himself._

" _What does that all mean now, then?"_

" _I… I don't know."_

 _You can love a dead person, but it would never bring back the happiness it brought when they were alive…_

" _I see." She felt cold again. And she felt alone. She had told herself in the very beginning that she did not need love, and love was not convenient for someone like her, but it was disturbing that for some reasons she wanted his answer to be completely different. He was her loyal guard and now her Black Knight, why would she need him to be anything more?_

" _I am feeling better now, Jeremiah, thank you for your concern, and thank you for your service. Good night. She spoke like emotionless machine, and if shocked her even as the words came out. But she just sat there in her bed and watched as he let go of her, bowed, and then exited her room._

That was three nights ago. The water was starting to become too hot and she felt the need to get out. She felt regret that night, that she didn't say anything more, that actually she wanted him to stay with her that night. Was it his dedication to her that made her feel that way? She had no clue, but it felt calming even when he would come to her with reports, it was calming to hear him just speak, she realized, she enjoyed talking to him…

Lelouch shook her head, what was going on with her lately? Was this really the thoughts of a woman leading a rebellion?! She was not like other women who had time to think about flings and love interests. Yes, she was a high school student, who at a time, would forget herself and thinking of a chance to be someone else, perhaps dress to be beautiful and find someone to look upon her in awe, but that's as far as her thoughts would go, because then her thoughts would turn to Suzaku. Someone she hadn't seen since she was a child, and even now those thoughts had become tainted when he refused to join her. Even after she had saved him, and the things that Britannia had done, the fool still believed that change could happen within the system. That the Japanese should just accept the rule of the corrupt and just— _please give us back our country and our rights as Japanese!_ She couldn't believe how naive Suzaku was being, did he seriously believe his people would do–let along _wish_ for such a disgraceful thing?! Why should the Japanese work for a ruler and then be strung along like a dog hoping for one day his master will bestow love and mercy upon him?

No. She knew her father, even if the the Japanese _did_ grovel on their hands and knees, he would have just laughed and strip them of everything for forgetting their place.

 _Like he did to me._

What was once a young love, had begun to corrode into resentment… she started to see him as an irritation. Suzaku was the pilot of the Lancelot, an enemy that she time and time again tried to destroy on the battlefield for foiling her plans… yes, he had become more of a thorn in her side than a love anymore. But she could not deny that she missed the days when there was nothing between them, back when they were just kids and her titled didn't matter and he was not an eleven or Japanese. He was just her Suzaku.

"But nothing can bring back the past, and all I can do is move forward. That's all any one person can do." She mused to herself as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her lips became pursed and she felt like the image before her was just a shell, housing a symbol. A symbol that all had to believe in, to symbol the enemy had to fear, and a symbol for the Japanese to follow. And because of that, she would not look back and she would not house ghosts; Zero took too much room.

* * *

 **Well I felt I wrote more than I suppose I did... sorry about that. -_- Lol I do love the thought of Ohgi and Jeremiah being sort of brothers in arms, I find that the kind of compliment each other. :) Especially with Ohgi's situation with Villetta and Jeremiah seeing a kinship in some way through that. lol But that's just me. Haha Anyways, I hope it was still satisfying even though I didn't hit the 4k mark like I had originally thought I was going to... please R &R! **


	6. Chapter 4 - Treat Yo Self

**Im back! Didn't think you'd be hearing that, eh? Lol well it was a long journey to writing this chapter, and I know it doesn't look much, and I apologize for that, but it was surprisingly hard to write the beginning part to this chapter! I think I wanted to make Diedrich more part of the chapter than really what I was feeling. :/ But oh well, I finally powered through it. Lol**

 **Also this is a disclaimer: all the bad decisions I made while writing this is to be blamed on my BETA Ayaheartright. Please file any and all complaints with her. XD Seriously when I thought, 'I don't think this is a good idea,' she was there giving me bad influences. She's an enabler for my fluff guys, I blame her.**

 **She's also to blame the title in this chapter, since ya know, mine was shot down (Ghosts pt 2.) So it's been promptly titled Treat Yo Self, since that was the response I got every time I asked if I should keep going during my fluff/smut. XD**

 **At any rate, this one's especially long for all you lovely readers who were waiting for my update, thanks for all the messages! I love them! I hope I get more and that this one wasn't a complete bomb. Lol**

 **Also there's a movie quote, if you guy see find it, put it in in the review! I'd love to hear if you find I think as funny as I did that it actually fit. XDD**

Chapter 4 - Treat Yo Self

There are things that Diedrich have been noticing lately. He had always been the observant one, of course, he had to be; being a reporter and all. But it wasn't easy noticing things were amiss when the very thing that he observed was an inconsistent obscurity. Nothing was routine with Zero, and nothing was ever fully disclosed when it came to his plans and agendas.

One was simply swept away by the tide and was forced to accept and ride along, or drown…

But it was when he began to become more interested in what this symbol was, _who_ this symbol was. It was always just enough to know that this man would lead this world and he would be apart of the greatest point in history this world would ever know. And that he would be there plastering their leader's face on every screen, phone, and social media network imaginable, if that what was so called of him. But somewhere along the line, at some point he started wondered. Who was leading them? Who was the man that was so bold to defy the Britannian Family and rise up for the Japanese and build a future under one name: Zero.

Of course all the men in the Black Knights had this thought, everyone has had the same questions run through their heads as they were asked to follow blindly, but they eventually ebbed away. Their doubt faded as he showed his power more and more. As for him it never much mattered who it was, as long as they were powerful, influential, and planned to make their mark on the world and he could be there to film it all.

So then, why did it suddenly matter to him _now?!_

Zero had only just returned to base and retired to his rooms. A hunger burned in him suddenly that it even startled him; it was only moments ago that he saw their leader entering the main control room and pass into the hallways leading to the back where his quarters were, where he liked to be when he needed to be alone. Only C.C. followed and accompanied him. He wanted to follow too. The greed for knowledge seemed to be his own, for he never saw anyone care too greatly to actually try to see the face of Zero, they never wanted to know _that_ much.

And so he did. It felt like he was gliding as his heart began to beat faster, and the hairs on his neck seemed to stand up. He was being too daring, and yet isn't that what he should be? To seek for himself what lies behind closed doors?!

As he began to turn the corner, he quickly turned back with a quiet gasp, There was Jeremiah standing there, knocking on the door and announcing himself and then letting himself in. _What is Jeremiah doing here?!_ Did he know know who Zero was? Was he in the loop as well?

Before the door could fully close, he zipped across the hall and grabbed the handle and let it gently hit the edge of the lock so that he could still gain access, and perhaps eavesdrop if the room permitted. Diedrich was able to hear small snippets of words, one clearly being Jeremiah, seeing as he was closest to the door, another was a voice he couldn't decipher, it's lilt and indifferent and so he automatically assumed it was C.C.; but it was when he heard another that he knew he was mistaken.

 _No, that's C.C... So then…_

It couldn't be… He found himself pressing closer to the cracked door, trying to hear the voices clearer, to hear not so much what they were talking about – that he could care less about. It was the voices that made his eyes grow large and his palms somewhat fidgety.

"Very well, Jeremiah, thank you for the report, and I hope to bring this chapter to a close with The Order at last. I will not tolerate their interference any longer, and certainly not V.V.."

He heard a short confirmation and he knew that the door would open at anymore moment and that was when the reporter booked it as quickly as he could and thanked God the flooring was carpeted. His heart was beating out of his chest as he turned the corner and knew that the once Purest had left the room, and began to speed walk to get away from the vicinity as much as he could without being suspicious. Unfortunately just as he was about to turn another corner, hoping to put himself in the clear, he heard the damned man's voice calling his name.

"I said wait!"

A cold shiver ran down his neck and swallowed as the margrave approached him. Diedrich breathed in to calm himself and smoothly turned his heel. "Ah, Jeremiah Gottwald, what can I do you for? I was just about to head to the control center to see how our operations were doing." He explained swiftly but tried to not make it sound so forced.

"Is that so?" Jeremiah approached him calmly, which unnerved the man even more. His eyes seemed far more serious than normal. "Zero has ordered for a small task force to follow him to his next mission in a few days from now, I'm sure you are aware that we will be needing that replica made of the room that he has provided pictures of for references. Once completed, it must be transported to the destination he had specified," he informed. His form led Diedrich to believe that he was none the wiser and the reporter allowed the knot to untangle in his stomach.

"Yes of course, and I have been helping the team produce the said room, but if I may, I would like to examine this room in person—we shouldn't leave any details in question. If the transmission is somehow caught on to, it might leave him at a disadvantage with V.V.." The lie seemed far too easy to him, but if he was lucky, Jeremiah would overlook it and see only for it would appear: a safety measure.

Jeremiah became stiff, and it made Diedrich even more suspicious. He could see the calculations running through his mind – debating his next words, he would be lying if he said he didn't feel intimidated by the soldier. The man who could run him through without even thinking… true he was passionately loyal to a fault, but he didn't presume him ignorant to consequence. And when he saw his eyes narrow and seemly trying to find his lies he prayed Jeremiah wasn't getting any ideas.

"I'm afraid that is impossible, Zero was explicit on the secrecy of this mission and he has ordered only the necessary details to be known. The pictures he provided was to be all that would be needed, I doubt an off-color vase would tip off V.V.."

Diedrich's has jaw clenched tightly, and forced down the snarl he felt crawl up from within him. _The nerve!_

"Yes of course, _Lord_ _Jeremiah._ I thank you for your assistance." Diedrich bowed, and turned to leave, heading straight for the command room, all the while letting out frustrated growl and clenched his fists. _Very well,_ he thought; so be it, he would do things his own way.

C.C. was lounging on Lelouch's bed while eating pizza, her boots and sleeves lying on the floor haphazardly with not a care in the world; unlike Lelouch, who had had her mind running millions possibilities 24/7 it seemed like.

"You know Lelouch, you're going to go grey at young age." She stated nonchalantly, it wasn't that she actually cared, but it just seemed to be the first thought that crossed her mind.

"If I live that long. Why are you so concerned about my image anyway?" She said boredly while watching the news reports on the newest movements of the Britannian forces.

"I don't, I just wondered how you would look with white hair and stress wrinkles… would you dye your hair if you did?" She asked thoughtfully.

Lelouch stopped flipping to another news channel and looked her oddly, "even if I did, what brought this up?" She gave the contractor a weird look, _why did it even matter?_

"It was just something that came to mind, thinking about all the close calls that came our way, and the near death experiences you've had… It's bound to happen eventually. Who knows, you might look beautiful with white hair. I'm sure Jeremiah wouldn't mind it."

Now _that_ was out of nowhere, "what's he have to do with anything? And why would _he_ care what my hair looked like?" Her brow furrowed, what was bringing all this on?

"Oh… I guess you haven't noticed then… how strange."

 _What_ was she talking about? "Notice what?" She _did_ notice how the witch smirked as if there was a secret right under her nose, and it galled her to no end that C.C. looked like she was far too please to have more leverage over her.

"Oh nothing, only that I thought I saw a strand of silver the other day, and it intrigued me. That's all." She went back to eating her pizza without another word, leaving Lelouch to look at dumbfounded and half wanting to strangle her for being so irritating. But the contractor loved torturing the young Princess, and so she kept her wicked little smile and Lelouch huffed and turned back to the television deciding that her riddles wasn't worth the brainpower.

It was perhaps twenty minutes later when she heard a knock on the door, "Zero, it's Jeremiah." Lelouch, who was halfway to his helmet and ready to put it on relaxed and ordered him to enter.

"Lady Lelouch, everything seems to be in order, Diedrich however, has requested to personally review the details of the room you supplied photos of, the Ashford quarters in Japan, to verify that the replica is identical." He spoke so formal and immaculate it almost made Lelouch want to laugh, but for the sake of his dignity she swallowed it down. "But I promptly refused his request and denied him in your place…. I apologize if I have forgotten myself."

Lelouch nodded, "thank you, you were right in doing so. The last thing I need is for him to be fishing around in search for some kind of leverage, he's been faithful during the rise of Zero, and with little to no complaint… none-the-less he is a slave to his natural instinct, and that is something that I know I can trust to always be consistent.

"The fact that I attend the Ashford Academy, Kallon already knows, but seeing as she is a student as well I trust her to not compromise my position as Zero for the sake of the rebellion. Diedrich however is another story, he is one for his own ambitions and there's no telling what he would do with personal information that would lead to the identity of Zero. If the rebellion some how found out I was linked to the royal family, they would abandon me."

She huffed at the irritation that man brought her, "I am certain the photographs were just as good and I don't see the need for any of that."

Diedrich _would_ say such a thing to get whatever it was he wanted, she trusted him just as far as she could throw him. It would do no good for anyone else to learn the truth, "he has suddenly become oddly bold…"

Jeremiah nodded, "yes, I agree. I have never quite liked the man myself, but regardless of personal reasons—the man's a snake," he insisted.

"As true as that may be, he is valuable to my purposes, and for that reason, he will be left alone, am I clear?"

"Yes, Your Majesty." When he watched her silently brood, when he could tell the gears were turning in her head — the ever clever strategist was never quite alluring as she was when she was in her element; like she was now.

She was so much like her mother.

"Also, I've told you before you must address me as Zero when we are here." True the room is soundproof, but she didn't want him to make a habit of it and have it slip on accident elsewhere.

"Of course, my apologies." He bowed again with eyes downcast.

"It's alright, just be careful in the future." Lelouch said, as she sat back down on the couch. "Thank you for everything, Jeremiah; I'll see you tomorrow to see over the rest of the preparations and then we will finally bring an end to my father's corrupt laboratory – and V.V.."

"Yes, Zero." He bows once more and took his leave of her.

—

She was in the gardens pruning the roses, her hair was like flowing dark chocolate over porcelain skin. Her movement were like an apparition; slow and with purpose. As if she floated on air with ethereal grace. And on the same coin, she was swift and merciless. She was the 98th Empress, Marianne. Consort to Charles: Emperor of the Britannian Empire – and the pilot known as _The Flash_.

And Lady Marianne—the object of Jeremiah Gottwald's admiration and love.

"Jeremiah, how are you today?" She said with her sweet voice that he adored so much.

"I am well, Your Majesty, and yourself?" He bowed, he was so formal, it made the Empress laugh, to which he lifted his eyes and what he saw made his heart leap.

 _She was so beautiful._ Just like that, with smile on her painted lips and a glimmer in her dark eyes. How he wished to love her, and how fortunate he was to _serve_ her. Jeremiah would not sacrifice this for all the money and glory in the world – _she was_ the glory in his life, and that was all he would _ever_ need. And she shined so brightly that if he went blind he would have no regret.

"I am going good this morning, it's such a beautiful day, don't you agree, Jeremiah?" She asked, as she smelled her Queen Rosas', they were her pass-time; tending to the flowers. He liked to watch her water them, giving them care and love – it always felt like a scene from a movie or book.

"Yes, the breeze is pleasant, Your Majesty." He spoke without the stiffness of a royal guard this time, his eyes never leaving hers, and she smiled as if she held some great secret – and he hoped it wasn't one of his.

They fell into a unfulling silence, like there was nothing more to discuss, and the birds and sounds of running water from the fountain bridged the gap. And the time for which to say more felt like it was quickly passing. But words would never do what he would wish they could do, they could give him what he desired, and so with the same regret that came with every day of visiting his Empress, he remained silent.

That was his place, to remain the shadow of the Empress and protect her with his life. Yes, he could be happy with that, knowing his life could still serve a purpose for her. He could be content.

It was the next day when she approached him asking such an absurd request. _Lower the security?!_ What was she thinking? But without a fight he agreed and did what she asked, but inside he was alert and fearful, he would always have countless guards all around the villa, and with that taken away he was suddenly trying to take up the job of twenty-five guards – trying to be everywhere at once.

When he heard the sound, there was nothing but ringing in his ears and when he ran like Hell at his heels he didn't even register the screams nor the Princesses whom his love had protected that shook in shock of the massacre before their eyes.

He felt sick.

He felt that his entire being was ripped from his consciousness and all that left was a kneeling carcass. The blood dyed the golden carpet an unsightly red, and her beautiful brown hair was spread out like a long, silk fan. And he choked at the thoughts that ran through his numb mind – that even now, even as her life had already faded from her eyes he could find her still so _blessedly perfect._

He wept his soul out that night. The tears wouldn't cease, and he kept telling himself what failure he was. He blamed himself for it all. "Why…? Why couldn't I have protected her?!" He whispered harshly to himself, his hands gripped his arms tightly and he crumbled to the ground of his room. He still wore his uniform, the one he refuse to take off since the murder hours ago.

If he took it off, would his memories of serving her fade? Would it feel like it never happened, that all of it was just a bittersweet dream? He didn't want to sleep, He couldn't bare it if he dreamed of her. It felt as though tomorrow was never to come, and he believed it too. He felt that there would never be a new tomorrow, he only laid on the floor staring at the ceiling, thinking of nothing, wishing there were cracks that he could count.

It infuriated him seeing the impeccable work around him, the walls were finely painted, the carpet was a work of art as should anything in the Villa be. But it irritated him because the only thing that would be so perfect and should be admired was _her._ Hours went on that way, of him comparing objects in his room to his Empress. When the sun rose, he cried once more realizing that the world around him would not stop out of sheer respect for his beloved Marianne.

Everything kept on moving…

During the following weeks he had heard the Princesses Lelouch and Nunnally were sent to Japan, he made it his mission to find them, he searched for years – looking into any and all leads. And when he heard the news of their deaths during the rebellion he once again felt the stabbing pain of failure, but even then, he refused to believe it.

But the years of heartbreak and the weight of his guilt and shame were catching up with him, and it soon became too much for him and he accepted what had become the family he loved too much. "They're gone." He whispered, as he sat at his desk in a dark room. The blinds were closed and the only light that shined was the lamp on his desk that hovered over profiles of the late Marianne and her two children. They were all dead – all of them. And there was no one to blame but himself. It was just too much to hold on to.

—

Jeremiah turned the bullet over between his thumb and index finger, he smiled with pain in his eyes; it looked surprisingly clean from the years that it sat in breast pocket. It was during one of his darker days after he accepted Princess Lelouch and Nunnally's "death" that the thought to end his life was born. But when he went to pull the trigger he couldn't do it. He always felt resentment towards himself for that, that he was too weak to protect those he loved—too weak atone for it. He remembered how he wept over his gun, and cursed at his own worthlessness.

It wasn't until he founded the Purebloods that he felt some sort of meaning to keep going, but it was only a shadow of what his life used to be. There were still nights he would stare down the bullet, and contemplate loading his gun – but he would then remember that there were still the sons and daughters of the royal family that would still need protecting, that he could still dedicate his life to the family that _she_ married into.

He was appointed to Prince Clovis's army and he would serve his Prince with more diligence than any soldier before or after him. He would protect the royal family this time; he swore to himself.

And then he failed. _Again._

When Clovis was pronounced dead by shooting, something inside him snapped. He no longer was able to maintain a calm composer and anger was almost constant emotion in him. It felt so good to take his anger and fury with himself out on Private Suzaku Kururugi, each time he refused to admit to the murder of His Highness that he framed him for, he felt the monster in him smile and cackle with glee. He'd bring his fist down on him again and again, kicking him, beating him, the interrogations were merciless and the guards wouldn't even stop him. He loved it.

By pegging the murder on the Honorary Britannian, he would finally have a reason to eliminate the filth of the Elevens from the military. And it all was going perfectly well until Zero showed up.

When he had had his mind under her control, he did something that he couldn't not even imagine him capable of: he went against his comrades, the soldiers he commanded, and his fellow Purebloods. He had aided the terrorists in taking Suzaku and escaping, and he didn't even know it until it was too late. Being branded as a traitor with the name ' _Orange'_ plagued him to insanity, and his only hope of redemption was to bring Zero's head to the Emperor on a silver platter.

But now… now he wouldn't even dream of doing such a thing. Now, the name Orange was a badge of his loyalty – yes he helped Zero escape, as per her design. He even then, served Her Highness, and he was grateful for it. Knowing the truth of who Lelouch really was, had chased the insanity away and restored hope to him.

No, he wouldn't need this anymore, he thought to himself as he tossed the bullet into the trash. He knew where he belonged now, and he no longer hated nor doubted himself.

It was then that something just _clicked_ , he didn't know what it was, but it wasn't just that he served the Princess Lelouch Vi Britannia because of her title or who her mother was, but that she meant… _something_ to him. Jeremiah didn't know what that something was, but it was more than the loyalty that made him so profusely obedient to her, and that he longed to one day see her smile. She had so much darkness in her heart—and in her future—that he knew there was no other path but the one she made for herself, still, he wished he could be a light for her somehow.

Perhaps that's what this feeling was, a wish to be a light for her in her constant state of darkness. He wanted to be the one thing that could help her see the end.

It was late into the hours when he heard a knock, he rarely slept anymore so of course he was reviewing paperwork and still in uniform. "Who could it be at this hour?" He got up and unlocked his door, allowing it to slide open. "Prin- Zero, what are you doing here? I mean… what can I do for you? Is there something wrong, Sir?"

He had a room at the base that he stayed at now that there was really nowhere for him to go, and Lelouch graciously gave him one of the more spacious (but still basic) rooms. It wasn't too far from her own, still this was the first time seeing her at his door and especially at this time of night.

She came in and once the door closed she locked it once more and took off her helmet and placed it on his desk. She looked disheveled and restless. Jeremiah questioned what the manner of her state was about and wondered if something happened. "Princess?"

"I'm tired, Jeremiah… so very tired." She missed Nunnally, and she hadn't seen her in almost a week; she was her only reprieve from all the chaos in this world, and without her she had no way of recharging. Shirley was dead, and there was no one she trusted other than Jeremiah to see her in such a state – and so here she was, standing in the middle of Jeremiah's room with dark circles under her eyes unable to sleep.

It was moments like this that made Jeremiah's heart wish to reach out to her and hold her, she looked so different when she didn't don the cloak and dagger. She looked like someone he wanted to protect...

"Lady Lelouch…" she needed sleep, he could see that. At this moment though, she needed peace more. He went to her and as she stood there just staring at the floor, with no intention of speaking or moving he wrapped his arms around her and held her head close to his chest. "I understand, I know how that feels, my Princess."

She didn't correct him. She knew that was aware of how to address her, but it just didn't matter, not tonight. "I believe you, you, who saw and bore the weight of my mother's death. Jeremiah… even though you still love her… comfort me, please?" She asked as she pressed her face further into his chest, breathing in his cologne, it was spicy and crisp; she liked it. "Comfort me the way a man would a woman."

Jeremiah was taken aback, he never expected a statement as bold as that. _Like a man would a woman_ … could he even do such a thing? He was half machine, the part that made him a man was… "Are you sure, Your Highness this isn't something that could be taken back once done." He didn't want her to regret anything, and if he was to be honest, if she regretted him it would hurt him far than she would ever know.

"Yes."

Her eyes held nothing, they were just purple holes, and he doubted she was comprehending anything that she was saying. "I'll say this again, I would never wish to deny you anything… but I would never wish to make you regret this either." He watched her closely, trying to read her expressions, "you have enough of that." _And you mean too much to me see that in your eyes._

She brought her hand to his face, where she felt the warmth of his human-side, no matter what she was feeling (no doubt it indeed was clouding her judgement) she didn't care, in this moment she knew that if it was to be someone to help her forget for a night – she'd want it to be him. She knew he would care for her; he was loyal. "Yes, Jeremiah, I want you to be mine, even if it's only this night. You have always been by my side, who else would I ask to make me feel at least human for a time?"

He stared at her for what seemed far too long, and then he brought his lips to hers and heard her moan into their kiss. It was so quick that things became heated and Jeremiah had broken the kissing in order to breathe, the half that could feel was on fire and heart was beating fast. The half that was just cold steel and Sakuradite hummed, and he wondered if the _inhuman_ part of him could still experience pleasure? If she would not look back with regret, then neither would he.

He kissed her once more chastely and then trailed his way to her jawline, down her neck – to which he lingered longer at. He made her moan once more at the attention that caused a dark red mark from his biting and sucking, and then when he reached her collarbone he gave the same treatment as he unzipped her disguise and let it fall to the floor.

He, yet again, was surprised, all she wore was binding to keep her chest down, and nothing more. She looked at him expectantly and felt that his next move would be to ask, "may I?" as he reached around to unwind her ace bandage holding her chest in.

She nodded and he began to unwrap her, it looked uncomfortable and he grew concerned at the red marks they leftmost her body. She wasn't as flat chested as her uniform lead him to believe and it was even more evident with how many rolls of bandages he went through. "Your Highness… you do this every day?"

"Since I became Zero, yes."

Jeremiah's gasp was unauditable, and he was somewhat angry with her for putting her body through that on a daily basis. It's true the people have been known to do this, and it's not unheard of, but doing it too often and with the amount of hours that she left it on would eventually damage her rib cage and her bruise her lungs. "Princess, you must promise me never to use these again! I will provide you with appropriate means and material to hide your identity, but these will destroy your body over time."

Lelouch rose an eyebrow, was she really getting lectured for binding her chest right before sex? It wasn't like she had a choice, it was an easy fix and it really didn't matter to her anyway when every day could be her last, besides, they worked better at concealing her breasts. "...O~ka~y"

Jeremiah let out loud sigh, "'my apologies my Lady, I did not meant to berate you, I just worry over your well being, that's all." His brow was furrowed as he soothed his hands over the angry marks.

"Perhaps next time I'll let you put healing cream over them then?" She joked, he was getting so worked up over nothing and it almost put her out of the mood. But he still nodded and she knew he took her seriously as he eyes kept their harshness. "Jeremiah, stop talking and take me to bed." She said with a crooked smile.

Jeremiah become flustered, "a-ah yes of course…" his face became red all too easy, it amused her to see him that way.

When he picked her up and laid her on his bed and kissed her fiercely, soon the fire was back in her and she ran her hands through his hair and biting his lip; he let out a deep groan – _she was too good at this_ , he heard a voice say in the back of his mind.

She was so beautiful, he thought when he released her lips, and when he stood back to admired her. He loved how she turned her head away from him, with her cheeks flaring red, as she crossed her arms over her chest.

As she laid beneath him, Jeremiah knew of nothing that could have made him worthy of something so amazing, and yet here she was, accepting his love. Something pulled in him, it was like his heart yearned to be so close that they would breathe the same, move the same, that in every way they were one person. And it hurt him to know that their worlds were so broken that he would possibly never be able to fix her.

But in this moment he felt that he had power to help her forget it all, and it made him feel a little more at ease, that while all the power that his Princess possessed; there were things he could do, that she could not: to sooth her soul—and it made him feel powerful.

"Princess…"

His voice was so soft that they felt like fingertips on her skin and it made her eyes water slightly that there was still someone in this world who would speak to her like that. She knew she was far from deserving, "no, please… Jeremiah it's just Lelouch. Tonight, it's just me." She begged, she didn't want their titles there in her bed, not when they felt so human. Not when she could be just her and he could just be him. Not a symbol and soldier, that was for the rest for the world, but not when when they could see the truth of it all. And perhaps that what that this all was—a night of unmasking. Where lies could not reach.

They knew everything, there was no need for them to lie to one another, there was no point. It no longer shocked her to know that she trusted him with everything. Her lies, darkness, hopes, dreams—her power. For the first time since she lost all trust with Suzaku, she knew Jeremiah's dedication, trust, and loyalty was the strongest rock and her waves could never break him. No matter how turbulent she could be, or what she must do. He would stand strong for her, and she could cling to him until her storm calmed. And she blessed him for that. For being so strong in his convictions to her.

"If I had never known Suzaku," when she thought of Suzaku, it left a bitter taste in her mouth. Her face scrunched up as if she smelt something rotten. "I would have chosen you to be my first love." She suddenly said, running her hand round his shoulder and hooked it around his neck, "But I am glad it's you though, to be my first." She said, letting her meaning hang.

She knew that it wasn't all true. That when she said she wished it wasn't the Lancelot pilot, that there was a part of her that still loved him (a very small part), the part that didn't hate him for abandoning her to the mercy of her father for rank and power. Like she was some bargaining chip. But she forced his forced the brunette boy away from her mind before she made herself sick.

"like you, I'm sure, I wish things could have been different." She said.

Her words were so sad, but they were very much like her, wanting wish the sin away, but wishes don't wash the blood away and they both knew that.

Jeremiah's eyes searched hers, and he felt his heart skip, her eyes were so peaceful, and so clear now. "...Lelouch… I-I" and for a moment he thought he saw doubt and fear at his hesitation, and he wanted to kick himself. In one big rush he said it, released what he suspected to be what his heart was telling him. "I love you." He immediately brought his lips to hers and poured his soul out to her, and it was the most erotic feeling – kissing the one you love.

"I love you, Lelouch, even if this world burns, I will always love you." His voice cracked, "if you give me your heart, know that I will never give it away. I will protect it with all that I am…" His words were so heartfelt and as he placed his forehead on her chest, he felt her body shaking and small chimes ringing in his ear.

She was laughing.

"I'm sorry, Jeremiah, but it's just- even proclaiming your love, you sound like a soldier ready to die. And yet here we are ready to–" A slow grin spread on his lips as he hovered over her face, he looked very sexy and predatory. It sent a shiver down her spine and caused her to have goose flesh.

Her eyes seemed to had twitched when he made his proclamation, when she remember how much he loved her mother.

But there it was, they both seem to have ghosts haunting their bed now… but she smiled at him, for now, that was alright.

You can't hold a ghost.

"And what would you have me do, Lulu…? Tell me how to please you, my love."

His love… yes she liked the sound of that on his lips. It felt so perfect. Even though she could not say them back, She liked to hear them spoken by him. She felt her face heat up once more and something pool inside her.

What's this what C.C. Was eluding to? What she was making fun of her for for not noticing?

Perhaps inside her that's how she felt about him, maybe she did love him – but she loved Shirley too, and look what happened to her; she was dead.

She was tired of having the people she loved get ripped away from her.

She laid there on his bed with him on just above her, fully clothed save for his usual coat, and she felt it scarcely fair that she could not look upon him the same way he did upon her. "Take off your clothes… I wish to see you."

She watched as he stood up on his knees and shed off his vest, his collar, and then his shirt. He did it slowly, all the while looking her in the eyes, and she could feel herself becoming aroused and was fairly certain her face was bright red at his display. She felt that she was watching a private strip tease.

When all was left but his pants, Jeremiah was almost painfully slow, and Lelouch had to stop herself from groaning in irritation, he was having too much fun torturing her, she could tell. His eyes were loving though, despite being the obvious tease, and delaying her gratification.

"I know I am only part of a man now, that this is only synthetic tissue that they placed on the side of my body to hide the atrocities that they performed on me. That it isn't real skin. But never-the-less, my heart is real, and my love will never sway. If you would still have me, there would be nothing I would not do for you, Lelouch; my love… I ask that you do not see me as a broken man, but one who has been made stronger, one that will be able to handle all your foes. For that is what I wish to do."

Lelouch said nothing, as she looked up at him while he stood on his knees between her legs. She knew what he said to her was important to him, but she couldn't bring herself to care; _it didn't matter_. She knew all this already, and whether he was human, cyborg, a complete android or what have you. He was still her Jeremiah, the same guard that was there for her all those years ago, the one she had grown to care for and who had dedicated his life to finding her and her sister years after her mother's death and then soon after declared his hatred for the Japanese for the supposed deaths of the two Princesses. He was still all those things, so why must he worry what lied behind artificial skin, it was _who_ he was that mattered to her.

She silently lifted herself to sit in front of him his height was something to be admired to be sure, Lelouch's head was just above his belly button. Although she wasn't complaining, it was odd, but his stature was one of the things that she had always liked about him, it made him look very regal. She lifted her hands to his stomach, and place a small peck over his navel, "could you feel that?"

Jeremiah swallowed, "y-yes."

She tried again only a few inches up and to the left, "and here?" She felt it was slightly colder there, like clothed metal plates.

"...No." Jeremiah had become intrigued with her new game, as she started to map out his body with what part of him was real and what was machine. There were places that lit a fire in him and made him feel hungry for her, and others it felt absolutely nothing, that it was just a pressure being pushed against him if she kissed or nipped the fake flesh. When she stretched to reach his right nipple and took it into her mouth he gasped, he definitely felt _that!_ He groaned as she swirled her tongue around and scraped her teeth in experimentation, and found himself pressing her body closer to his.

When she let go, he was panting and she continued to find the places that brought him pleasure, and the those that did not, when she got to his pants, she stopped.

"And what of here, Is this real?" She asked as she placed her hand over the front of his pants where his half-bulge was; there, under her hand felt cold and void of the warmth that came with human flesh. It as well, was just another bionic part. She felt anger in her bubble up, that the scientists and General Bartley had no respect for human life and that they treated him no different than a lab rat. They were too busy asking if they could, that they forgot to ask themselves if they should.

He sucked in his breath. "That… was unfortunately from their cruelty. It seems when they rebuilt my body it wasn't spared, and in place they gave me a bionic one."

"I see, I wonder who ordered that – General Bartley perhaps? Maybe he should suffer that loss as well." She kissed him just above his pant line, and heard another hiss and found his hands weaving themselves into her hair. "How do you feel about it? I don't deny feeling a little less merciful because of that."

He found it strange that she brought up pleasure and death together so casually, how her voice and lips can make him so aroused that it only vaguely mattered to him that she was bringing plans of torture into their bed. But he looked down when he felt a pressure between his legs, Lelouch was unbuttoning the front of his pants and pulling down his pants down to reveal what looks like a completely normal organ.

Jeremiah blushed as she she just stared at it, and then began to touch it– moving it in different angles. And then she placed her tongue to it while looked up at him to gauge his reaction. _What was she doing?_ He had never seen his Princess so promiscuous and forward. In some way he thought of her as the very image of innocence and purity. And when those words came to mind, he knew those days had been long gone, but in the ways of the bedroom he couldn't help but picture her as a blushing bride.

But things were never how one would think it ought to be, and they were not what they should have been. But they did with what they had, and that was all that mattered this night, and he could live with that.

"Do you feel that?" She asked, as if she was running experiments.

He didn't want to ever think of those scientists again, he had to force himself not to picture her in a white coat.

"No…" he admitted with a grimace.

And then she went in and cupped his balls – that felt human, she decided. "This too?"

He gasped as she massaged them, "L-Lulu…" he panted, _those_ were in fact real. He looked down at her and she looked like the cat who ate the canary.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

He gently pushed her away, she had been pawing at him, when she looked up at him with big eyes and a 'huh?' That seemed to be on her lips, it was probably the most sexiest thing he could behold. Like he had just caught her doing something she didn't know she shouldn't have and it made his heart leap for her.

"Does it…" she trailed off, not exactly sure how to purpose her question, was his cock just for show? Did it operate just like a normal one? How did he find pleasure if he couldn't feel anything? She was glad for him that there was at least some part of that particular autonomy that felt _something,_ even if it was just the ball-sacs.

"Work the way it should?" He asked, chuckling. Jeremiah shrugged, "when I asked that same question they told me it would do all the same functions of a 'normal man's phallus', as they put it. That I would perform all the same, the only difference would that I wouldn't be able experience the things that normal men would." It was an odd conversation to be sure, and the scientists wrote it off as a simple casualty. His body would release just as it should, but that would be the extent of what he would feel. Just the mental eriophora of the action. "The action of the process I would not be able to feel, the end-result however, I would still be able to experience." He assured.

He kissed her upset brow, "but that doesn't matter, I am able to fulfill your needs, and that is all that I require for satisfaction." And before she could say anything more he began to push her down onto the pillows, "Lie down… I wish to pleasure you." He said gently.

She did what he asked, and laid back down on her back, watching him go down between her thighs – watching her watch him. He ran his tongue up her entrance and across her nub, earning him a gasp and a small cry that made him moan into her. He kissed her lips— a promise to return when he went up north, and took a hold of her clit and sucked hard, Lulu began to writhe, her legs tried to crush him out of reflux, but he had his hands on her thighs to keep them in order. The sounds of her moans and pants were music to his ears as he began to swirl his tongue.

Lelouch was a mess, her hair was skewed everywhere and legs were spazzing, she had reached down and began to – what was supposed to be running her hands through his hair to encourage him to give her move – but turned into a tight gripping of his scalp and was trying to push him further into her.

Jeremiah grunted, he knew she was close, and if he had guessed, he wouldn't have thought her to be the vocal, swept-into-the-through-of-passion type; but he wasn't complaining. And with having no way of understanding how his body operated anymore, he didn't even realize he was fully erect.

"I-I'm… Jeremiah-" she couldn't even tell him how close she was, but that in itself was warning enough.

His hot breath met her sopping lips, "I know," He chuckled. He relented the now red and swollen nub and pressed his tongue against her folds and slowly let his tongue sink into her, like she was greedily sucking him in. He moaned from the taste which vibrated through her, _Lord, she tasted so good._

"Ah! …Jeremiah!" She was just on the edge, and she couldn't take it anymore.

He began to thrust his tongue deeper and faster, and soon she cried out and he swallowed the fluid that freely came onto his tongue as she came down from her high. Her heavy breaths were ones of a sated woman, and he felt pride grow inside him.

She could taste herself as he leaned down and kissed her, first slow and content, nothing but an ember, but soon it grew into a fire once more.

Jeremiah grabbed his prosthetic to position himself at her entrance, "I will go slow, tell me what you're feeling, tell me if I'm hurting you; I won't know otherwise." He instructed wanting her to have full understanding and complete control of how this went. When she nodded he guided himself into her and watched with rapture of how her myriad of expressions graced her features, at first it mostly discomfort. "Are you alright, do you want me to stop?" He asked.

She shook her head and she closed her eyes tightly, knowing what was to come, every girl knew at this age, or at least was warned the pain that came at their first time. "No, just do it. Get it over with." She grunted out, holding onto his neck tightly to brace herself.

He nodded and took in a breath and held it as he took one strong thrust and broke through the innocence (or what was left of it) of her body, her yelp and the sudden clawing at his skin while the other had his hair in an iron grip was proof enough that innocence was now forever lost to her.

He didn't move an inch afterwards, the benefit to lack of feeling was that he could wait for any length of time that she needed to recover without feeling tempted by his own desires. He went back to kissing the corner of her lips, her cheek, and chin before settling back into their home, and exploring the cavern of her mouth.

It wasn't long after that Lelouch broke their kiss and told him he could move again, he was so slow and careful she felt moved by his consideration of her. When he was pushing too hard she told him and he made mental notes of every positive and negative reaction, and it wasn't long that he heard her moaning and panting under him.

"Ah!" She yelled, wrapping her legs around him and being her hips up to meet his. "There!"

Jeremiah tried to mimic the same movements again and again, watching her arch into him and the sight of her made his heart beat faster, pumping blood to an organ that no longer needed it. He didn't know how he would know when he would find his release, if his body just would decide when it was finished, if he could consciously decide, or if it would just happen and he would have no control to prolong her pleasure and end her night on a disappointing note.

Regardless, he was breathing heavier, just from the sheer effort. When you're not working for your own release you notice so many other things—more important things—like how Lelouch looked as she bend her head back, the stretch of her slender neck, her lips shaped in an 'O' as if in a silent prayer, well perhaps not silent; or how each thrust made her sound like a lustful wanton. He moaned, imagining how she would make him if he could. In his mind's eye he could remember how things like this use to make him feel, and it brought some solace to him. But the sight alone was so _mesmerizing._

"Tell me what you're feeling, Lelouch, tell me how it feels my love." He said between breaths, as he tried to hit the same spot each time.

"It… it feels like… ah!" She was finding it hard to speak from each assault, "it feels so _good_ , like… I'm being wound up." She gasped out, "Like a sting about to snap- don't stop!" she began to breath faster and deeper.

She was so close.

Jeremiah placed his arm around her back and brought her breasts to him and took a red, pink nipple into his mouth, running his tongue and grazing his teeth over it. She was almost there. By now all that filled the air was the sound of her voice rasping and the wet slapping of their genitals.

"Ah! ...Jeremiah ….I love _you_!" She shouted.

And when the climax came crashing down on her, it was so intense she pushed her head into the pillows and cried out, Jeremiah was out of breath himself but was doubtful he even had his release yet. He was so taken back by her proclamation, that he had stilled himself. _She loved me!?_ He knew he had offered her his heart, but in no way did he think she would return it. But the voice of reason that spoke softly in his ear told him it was the sex speaking.

Still it made his heart swell and he dared to hope, if she could love him, it would be all he would ever need. He would always love Marianne, but she was gone, and Lelouch was slowly filling him up with herself.

Moments passed of him not moving in her, watching her writhing beneath him and gasping for air. It was ecstasy and he knew that if he could come alone from the sight, it would have been then. He slowly started his rhythm once more, just leisure thrusts, hearing her moans was such bliss, as he placed kisses on her neck and shoulder. Yes, he was making love to her, and although he couldn't feel the action itself, emotion was stirring the tears behind his eye; It felt so magical to him in this moment. Soon _something_ was happening, and it alarmed them both.

"W-what's going on?!" It as his prosthetic… it was… _vibrating._ For a moment she struggled against him afraid the device was malfunctioning and it would harm her.

Jeremiah was also worried something disastrous was going to occur, but before he could pull out he felt the coil in his stomach unravel, and the sudden urge to thrust deeper into her spurred him on. As the tingling in his abdomen began to spread, he knew what was to follow.

He gave one more strong thrust and let out a deep groan as he spilled his seed into her, panting he pull out of her and wrapped his arms around her. He covered her with his body like a lazy, sated cat, just spooning with her.

He was not aware that his replacement would react in such an unexpected way, but was relieved that nothing had gone wrong. Her cheeks were flushed and beautiful, Jeremiah decided that there was nothing more magnificent than seeing Lelouch in the aftermaths of love-making. Her breaths were deep as she tried to calm her heart rate, and all he could do was watch; _he was entranced._

"Ah…" he sighed, he wasn't sure what to say after realizing the odd function of his member as he came—was it a turn off? He wondered if she would find it unsettling and recoil from him.

"Is that… what happens… I mean, is it _supposed_ to do that?" She asked curiously, even though pink dusted her cheeks – and not just because of the exertion. If she hadn't been so freaked out about it, she would have embraced the fact that his prosthetic was also a _vibrator_. He was just full of surprises; "it's quite an… interesting feature." She laughed, even though she was out of breath.

Jeremiah was now red as well, "...is it… unpleasant?" He asked hesitantly, he didn't know if could find someone else to somehow _replace_ his current one – and momentarily thought to save one of the scientists from The Order for that one purpose.

"No," she laughed. "It was just unexpected, that's all," she reassured as she ran her fingers through his hair. It was so soft and she loved the shade of it, "I wonder, will this be the most normal thing in my life? This single night…" she whispered, staring off at the wall that had nothing on it. She wanted to laugh, not even the sex in her life was normal—good—but definitely not normal.

"It doesn't have to be—just this night." He added.

She turned back to him, his hair no longer had it swept up style and gelled into place, it was a sexy, mangled mess. It complimented his intense, golden eyes. Everything about him as so fierce, it made her envious that he didn't even have to act. That he was bred that way, that it came with being a soldier. His strength came to him so effortlessly; he didn't have a broken shell to hide like she did.

Her strength came from her loss, and without that, she would have still been the weak sheltered Princess playing in the sandbox of her father's own creation. Nothing would have truly been hers, and everything she would have done – in extension – would have been his doing.

She smoothed her hand across his face, lining her thumb under his eye, and watched as he leaned into her touch. He was too good for her. She couldn't provide the future he deserved. The only ones who should kill, are those who are prepared to be killed. She believed that wholeheartedly, and by that logic, she could never promise him a future in which she would be beside him. Not when she could be dead tomorrow.

"My _Jeremy_ … you deserve so much more than what I can give you." She said, trying to bring him to this realization. "I have no future."

A lump formed in his throat, and it felt too much like a rejection spite what they had just done; spite the words they had _just_ said. "Did you mean what you said?" He asked, wanting her to say them again.

 _There were no need for lies, not in their bed_. He thought.

"Did I mean what?"

"That you loved me… did you mean it?" He asked again, this time he felt his chest tightening up.

It was several minutes before she spoke, her eyes searched his own, looked at his Geass canceler, his lips, and everywhere else that felt like she was sizing up. "Yes. I meant it…"

"Then I don't care."

"Jere-"

She tried to get him to understand, and her expression told him she was getting frustrated. "No. I know how your mind works. Since I've been by your side I have seen you play the martyr and have sacrificed others for your cause. And in doing so locked it all away, afraid to feel anything for anyone save for the Princess Nunnally. If you swear your heart to me, I will protect you and love you, just as I said before. I will not lie—not to you"

The words were almost too close to home for her and suddenly she felt turmoil within herself. _I never lie, not to you._ That's what she had said to Nunnally, it was strange how she thought tears no longer existed in her, that she was no longer capable; but the blurry image of Jeremiah proved her wrong. This was wrong… she had shown him too many of her tears, she needed to forget all of this and double up her walls and strengthen her resolve.

She needed to retreat back into herself.

Lelouch turned her head away from him and attempted to wipe them away before he saw her weakness again, but she was too late as he grabbed her hands and forced them away. "Why the tears, Lulu?" He asked softly, he was trying to train her to lean on him—to confide in him. "Tell me, my love."

She nearly jumped when he said that again. _His love..._

"I-" it was hard for her to form the words. "That's what I had said to Nunnally, when I began to lead the rebellion." She swallowed, Nunnally was so pure and sweet and kind. It would make sense that she would harbor all the dark and evil things in her life, to save her sister from ever being touched by it. She was still surprised by her sunny disposition spite having her legs and sight taken away — when all Lelouch felt was rage and hatred.

"I said those exact same words to her, so that she would never have to know about my sins. About the Black Knights…" that she had killed their brother. Oh Nunnally.

With her hands being bound by Jeremiah began to shake, she had nothing to cover her eyes with and so turned her head away to let her tears seep into the pillow. _Please don't look at me._ She couldn't bare looking weak to him, she had too many occurrences that shamed her for it. The wound was constantly there and would never have proper time to heal before it was ripped open again.

 _Look away, I don't want to be seen!_ She screamed in her mind.

And when she felt a strong hand wipe the tears from her eyes, more came forth. She was feeling too much, all of this was too much for her. "Stop, don't look at me. I don't want you see me like this," She choked out.

"Why? I am honored; I get to see the side of Lelouch—Zero—that no one else gets to see. I don't want to look away, you're so beautiful and strong."

"I'm weak!" She snapped back, here he was praising her when she felt nothing but stark, black shame.

"Keeping all this in is weakness, Lelouch. Come to me when it all become too much, when it starts to overflow, empty it onto me and then start anew." Trying to train a mind that thinks 100 possibilities at once and carries all the weight out of reflux was a hard thing to do, but he was up for a challenge. "Tell me these things, let me carry these burdens with you."

He turned her face back to him, forcing her to see him, seeing the truth and love in his eyes. He would not let her turn away from it without realizing that he cared for her and hated to see her do this to herself. And in the moments that Lelouch tried to see herself in his eyes, trying to see how he saw her, he kissed her deeply and and a gentleness that made the tears fresh once more. He swallowed her fears and doubts to replace them with his reassurances, "I love you, Lelouch."

With lips swollen, and a sob being choked down, she sighed and willed the weight in her chest to lift as she relented to her Black Knight, fine; she'll give him what he wants – she supposed he deserved that much. "You win, Jeremiah. I'll let you in."

His smile was so bright and rewarding, that she was suddenly glad she gave in to him and a weak smile formed on her lips as well. She would try for him.

"There, doesn't that feel a bit better now?" His smiled widened, as he adjusted himself to fit to her side and dropped an arm over her stomach, drawing circles on her waist.

It did, surprisingly. She felt not so apprehensive and tight like she normally did, but he didn't have to be so smug about it. "Wipe that smirk off your face, you'd think you won another award or something." She half-joked, and rubbed the tear stains off her face.

"Oh, but haven't I? I would imagine your heart to be quite the prize." He responded, his eyes were so warm and happy. "Not just anyone could claim to have the love of the infamous Zero—the Princess Lelouch Vi Britannia.

She rolled her eyes and turned around so that her back was facing him, "you're being a bit over dramatic don't you think?" But it was just so he could see her blush.

"Hmm... I don't think so." He pulled her to him so that her back was pressed snugly against his chest and began to trail his nose behind her ear and down to the crook of her should. "Besides, I think you like it. You have a thing for the flare and theatrics as well, don't you?" He whisper in her ear with that deep voice she grown to secretly love over the last few hours.

It was quite sexy and very different from the voice that shouted commands.

"Are you cold?" He felt goose flesh under his fingers held her tight to bring more body heat to her.

"A-ah, yes… it's a bit chilly." She said even though room felt like it was on fire.

"Here," he wrapped them both up with the warm blankets but made sure she got more of them than he did, he wasn't that cold anyway. "There, that better?" He asked, his voice was very chipper and it just made it that much worse that she was now burning up with sheet, thin blanket, comforter, and his body under it all.

She wasn't going to tell him his bedroom voice had sent shivers down her spine, that was just not going to happen. And so she sat there sweating it out; "I think just this will be fine, actually." She put the heavier blanket to the far end of the bed and left the clean white sheet and the thinner blanket above that one.

Lelouch was so adorable to him – he knew what was going on and just wanted to tease her. "It's late, and you need sleep for tomorrow." He relented and placed the blanket over her shoulders and kissed her temple.

She huffed and laid back down and turned her back to him – she was never one to sleep facing another person, she found being breathed on to be annoying and sometimes suffocating. But Jeremiah didn't seem to mind as he held her close and buried his nose into the silk strands of her dark hair, and realized heaven was breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo.

Jeremiah let out a sound of content, she fit so perfectly into him. He loved how her body melded to his without a flaw. He wished it could last, and thought that if he stayed up all night, it would last longer.

The night had finally caught up with them and their eyes were so tired, and still his voice spoke softly, afraid that if it was any louder it break what ever spell that made this happen. "I feel like if tomorrow comes, this dream will disappear… that I'll never see this _you_ again." The arms that held her tightened, afraid _she'd_ disappear.

And in her mind, she really couldn't decide if it would be better if the night _did_ vanish into the past, along with the few happy memories she had. War was cruel and it had no favorites, and with it being a dark shadow that hung over them both – she couldn't promise him tomorrow. And she had no idea if her capacity to love would die along with the night, that once she wakes, Zero would swallow it all up.

She didn't turn, she keep her gaze to the furthest wall, but placed her small hands upon his, feeling how big they were; while her's were small, frail, and covered in blood. "Day-by-day, just day-by-day…" Lelouch could feel the remorse in her throat burn. She ignored the tears the fell onto her neck and scalp, and she tried not to hear the the heavy breathing behind her as he tried to keep himself from making a sound.

He knew that that was how it had to be, and he couldn't bring himself to be selfish – even though he desperately wanted to.

Tonight they loved; and for now it would be enough.


End file.
